Giving

I stumbled upon a blog mumturnedmom.com¬†and was intrigued by the weekly “The Prompt.” Writers use the prompt provided to create – a poem, a story, a blog entry. Love the idea. So here I am participating in my first Prompt – Giving.

As I held my first newborn son over sixteen years ago, I was giving. I was giving all that I had. Energy, love, time, attention. Looking back, I was also learning so much. I was lost trying to find the place where I could feel competent and confident as a new mom. Yes, I struggled. But there is no doubt, I was giving – the best I could.

When I became pregnant with my second son, I remember feeling sorry. I was sorry I had not perfected being a mom to D; that I would take time away from him. I now know and realized soon after T was born that my thoughts were not logical. Amazing how a heart can love so much!

Honestly, though, I have cried myself to sleep many a night feeling as though I had failed as a mom that day. I am starting to realize I may never get it “right.” It will never be perfect. Or exact. Or precise. It’s time to let myself just be – be in the moment, be happy, be grateful, be a mom – in all my imperfections.

I’m so incredibly lucky to be a mom to two boys who give to me all the time.

Two days ago when dropping D off at the bus stop, I wished him a happy day as I often do. Just before the door closed, I heard “I love you.” I suddenly looked to my left and watched this boy, my son, walk away. All I felt in that moment was so loved, so happy. My heart swelled.

Last night when tucking T into bed his final request was to let him know when I was tucked into my bed. As I pulled the covers over me, I did just that. And I heard “OK. Good Night Mom. I love you.” Giving.

I will always give to my boys. My heart, my love, my time, my thoughts. And so it seems, my boys are doing the same for me.

 

 

Passing of Time

As I reached for my green tea bag, I sensed a routine. For a moment, it felt like that movie Groundhog Day. When the day continues to repeat itself. And then I suddenly felt a sadness. Time is passing by. The days, they go by so very quickly. There was a moment, a moment in time about a week ago. My oldest son was walking out of the kitchen as I was moving about – probably putting dishes away or cleaning off the counter. My head was down, focused on something else other than him. He called to me “Mom,” and I continued to move about but responded “what.” “I love you,” he said. That was a moment. I looked up immediately then and stopped. If only I could bottle that moment. Save it forever.

Isn’t it funny how music, music can just bring you to a place in time? A song can all at once send tears down your face or create a smile or a thought or a memory. A song can change your mood, your direction. This morning it brought me back to my childhood. And suddenly, I just felt sad. Sad because my life is passing by and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to slow it down.

Options are: becoming aware of those “moments,” physically and mentally slowing down, to breathe, and more than anything, living each and every moment completely. Becoming aware.

Stand Still

There are times when you want time to stand still and it simply does not. And then there are times when you don’t want time to stand still. But it does just that. I had a bit of a shock this week. To my health. In fact, I think I may still be in shock. Ironically though I think it has made me more clear. How can that be? I had an initial reaction of breaking down. I’ve been rather quiet all week. I haven’t exercised for the past four days. And yet, I feel more clear. Sometimes all you need is perspective I guess. People can tell you perspective, but living it is so much more powerful. Today I am happy. In an ironic, not-so-likely situation, I am happy. And I know just the reason why.

Time

Once upon a time I dreamt of my wedding day, of my children, of my house. I dreamt of happiness, of love, of memorable moments, of traditions. I kept a list of children’s names I especially liked, names I would potentially give to my future children. These were my daydreams during my childhood. It was all about my future at that time. All about my family that I would create with a man that I would choose as my forever. My goal in High School was to graduate college, get married, and have children. I achieved this goal almost exactly as I had planned. Except it did not play out as I had imagined. Time is so precious. I don’t want to lose any more. And yet I know time is what I need to get to where I need to go. Positively the best advice I received over the past couple of years was “Take it slow.” Ironically, sometimes I notice myself so caught up in wanting to remain in the present moment that I completely lose the wonder of the present moment – all by focusing on focusing on remaining present. Does that make sense? I will say this – I am stronger. I am. Without a doubt. I am clearer. My thoughts are clearer. I have set backs, days of feeling foggy, even days of feeling weak, sometimes broken.
It’s all part of me. All part of moving forward. Time will tell.

Still here, disappear

Do you ever feel like you just want to disappear? I asked myself last night when does the pain stop? Sometimes I feel like I have a legitimate mood disorder. My emotions go from one extreme to the next. My outlook can go from dark to perfectly clear to gray in just a day. Sometimes I feel like it is taking so much effort. So much time. Such valuable, precious time. The boys and I played catch today in the yard with a small kickball. It was probably only for 10 minutes. But it was the most beautiful 10 minutes of my day. My favorite 9 year old in the whole world was smiling matter-of-factly as he caught the ball that my favorite 14 year old threw to him. We passed it back and forth, trying to fool each other by looking at someone but throwing it to the other person. These are the moments and the reasons I move forward. The reasons why I push through the feeling of wanting to just disappear. I am here. I am still here. And I am so trying my best to relish the moments that truly matter.