Faith

This is long overdue. An examination of my marathon. Writing, with my left hand, about each mile. What I was feeling, thinking, seeing. I did it. And now I am having a hard time with the “results.” At the advice of my yoga teacher, I named the race. Faith. Each mile I needed to somehow relate to faith. Mentally working through each mile may just give me my life lesson she had said.

And this is where I am struggling. It was mile 16 I saw my my sister-in-law, nieces, T, my dad, and my mom. My interaction was mostly with my mom however. T and my dad where standing back and up on some stairs. I wasn’t feeling very strong at this point or at least not as strong as I had in training. And from here it went downhill. After I saw my family, it went downhill. And honestly, I think it was more after I saw my mom specifically. Ugh. I became weaker. More in my head. Weak. Beaten. Defeated. Up until seeing my mom she had been sending me supportive texts. When I saw her, she was proud. She yelled out as I ran off “How are you feeling?” and T just happened to snap a picture the moment I turned to respond. The look on my face says it all.

So why after this point, the point where I should have felt an extra boost, did I lose energy?  I can still feel what it felt like now – the lack of energy. It was a gross feeling. It was so hard to keep moving. And truly I didn’t know if I could. I became my weak, old, self full of anxiety and panic. And that turns into a downward spiral. My brother was running also. He had been a few miles behind me. I called him to say I didn’t think I could do it. He told me to keep going, he’d catch up with me. I kept looking back, looking for him. He never caught up. But, the fact that he tried so hard still warms my heart. He was there for me.

I crossed the finish line that day. Not even close to the time I had trained for and expected. It wasn’t until hours later, I could reflect back on the race and notice the many gifts.

So faith. Faith in myself. In my strength. In my abilities. Trust in who I am. And probably most importantly, feeling confident in doing what I know is right…for me. Not doubting. Yes, faith.

50 Happy Things…and then some

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yoga, deep breaths, fall air, carved pumpkins

sleeping babies, running hugs from my nieces, smiles, holding hands

salads, pizza, hummus, chocolate chip banana pancakes

a wink, toes in the sand, surprises, a kiss on the forehead

fresh herbs, burnt marshmallows, a vase of just picked flowers, a thank you

dreaming, reading a good book, HGTV, learning

a strong run, a solid race finish, a good stretch, a massage

a passionate kiss, a beautiful love affair, a gaze, cuddling

a clean house, a trimmed lawn, hydrangeas, a sunset

ocean waves, salt air, meditation, heart shaped rocks

awakenings, opportunities, hope, peace

families, friends, carnivals, farmers markets

my boys, my boys, my boys, my boys

 

Sometimes it’s nice to notice all the wonderful, happy things in my life. What a nice way to start my day! Can you take a moment and notice all the positive things in your life? Positivity spreads…happy energy is contagious. Begin now.

 

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Trying

Trying equals effort. Some days, it feels too much.

I received an article in my inbox today referencing a study that linked a father’s mood to his children’s development. The article peeked my interest as it was titled “Dad’s Bad Mood Affects Kids, Big Time.” (To read the article click here) I immediately felt validated in some way. Sounds silly I am sure. But I firmly believe our moods, stress, outlook, our state of being, all have energy that is shared.

The energy in our house was like a tornado. Intense, thrashing, silently destructive. It was picking up speed and strength. The only way to stop it, was to somehow get out of the center. The force so strong, it seemed impossible. Until there was a clearing one day, a small opening. And so to save my family, I reached through that opening.

But what lay on the other side was not simplicity nor pure bliss. Struggles remain – this is life after all. The energy however has balanced. Sadness lingers just the same.

But I am trying. With all that I have, I am trying.

When it all changed

Nonna passed away August 14, 2011. My grandmother. Italian, trouble maker, selfish, strong yet weak…and I loved her so. We spoke most days. She was a friend. Believe it or not, she did have good advice and she made us laugh. Her life was far from easy. This I know. What I have also come to realize is that her negative energy and ways, spread and contaminated. Do you know how hard it is to separate that harsh reality from love?

Anyway, her passing created a major shift in my life. And to this day, I don’t quite understand how, but it did. Becoming clearer, I started to see things differently. It’s much like a foggy window, where you wipe away some of the condensation and you start to see. See what’s real. What’s just a mirage. Slowly, and slowly still, my focus deepens.

Akin to an awakening, the past several years have been most interesting. Such contradictory emotions, so many heavy days sometimes balanced with light, free days, a world coming undone so that it can be built again with an impenetrable foundation. This has been my awakening.

Yes, everything has changed.

Figuring it out

So yes it’s “official,” I am a Reiki 1st degree practitioner. Funny, I was “practicing” on my youngest son last night. I had my hands on either side of his head. After probably less than a  minute, he wiggles around and says “ok that is weird. stop.” It made me smile. It’s energy. All around us. Energy. If nothing us, the workshop was a reminder to slow down, be still, be present, meditate. It strengthened me in a way that I know I can move forward, figuring it all out.

Could I confess something? During the introduction at the workshop (there were only five of us plus the teacher/master), I completely embarrassed myself. Important to note here, my neighbor was also a part of this workshop. At the time, I felt so vulnerable, in pain, needing, searching. But, at the end of the day, reflecting back, I became embarrassed thinking about it. I’ll admit the day did not feel as though it fulfilled what I was hoping. As a result, my initial “breakdown” somehow felt in vain. It’s only been over the course of the days following that I am figuring it out. Maybe I didn’t receive what I was hoping, but I received what I needed? And that is where the strength lies.

There is a Reiki 2nd degree workshop being offered next month. Somehow for me it feels too rushed, not right for me at this time, maybe never.

But I know, either way, it’s all going to be ok. Because I’m figuring it all out.

And Now…Intentions

It’s been a while. A while since I’ve written my thoughts. It was a long summer. It did not go as planned…but that’s okay. I tell myself the struggle makes me stronger. But truth be told, it took quite a bit of energy out of me. But I am here.
Tonight marks a new moon solar eclipse. Apparently, this is my year. A year of luck. Tonight I will write my intentions. And I will give them energy and thought and breed them into life. Discreet, concrete, abstract, and tangible. The more I read about this year, the more intrigued I become. I was guided to reflect on a date this past March. To find correlations with then and today. Interestingly, I had noted then I was happy. And so hope shines through again. I am excited and anxiously await this new year, this year of luck.

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

So this past week or so I have had several “challenging” experiences. The first took place during a yoga class – a class time, class teacher, I had not attended before or knew. Sometimes a yoga teacher is a perfect match for what you may be needing that particular day. This appeared not to be the case this time however. There was another student who more or less sat and looked around the whole class, the teachers voice did not resonate with me well, and I did not feel much energy from the room. But then I centered – or at least tried. I went into myself. Meditated. I desperately needed the flow of this class, the sweat, the movement. And I viewed these outside obstacles as a challenge for me. A challenge to put what I have learned over the past few years into place. Was it easy? No way. But I did it. And it made me laugh afterwards. Laugh in a way that was pure medicine. Interestingly and coincidentally, during my most recent yoga class the teacher read us a story. The author escapes me now. But the grounding point made was something like this: learn to love whatever is in your way so it ceases to become an obstacle. How I love when things just seem to come together. To come full circle.

My second “challenging” experience was a juice cleanse for two days. I had this insistent push to do this, and do it immediately. (You need to know I LOVE food!) I noticed a lightness during these two days, but certainly a lack of strength. I spent a lot of time lying down and watching TV – this is far from the norm for me. You know what? The rest – I needed. I put minimal expectations on myself. I just was. I noticed it wasn’t so much that I was hungry as much as I simply thought about food, wanting food. Food does more than feed our bodies. It’s so much more complicated. This lightness I felt, it was what I needed though. I woke up early on the third day, shoveled some new fallen snow and walked my dog through the neighborhood, street lights still on, our footsteps the only sound. It was so so beautiful outside. All bundled up, the cold air felt refreshing, it felt energetic.
Once in a while there is always the wonder, Is there, will there be, light at the end of the tunnel? It’s peeking through. I see the shadows. It’s hope.