Left Surviving

I am running faster.

Stronger, physically, then I have ever been.

This is the upside.

Immersing myself in exercise has its benefits.

As my muscles gain strength and endurance,

My mind lags behind.

It’s tired and weak.

It’s constantly running, never taking a break.

My heart remains crushed.

Full of pain, yet wanting to give the love it has.

August ninth is approaching.

My breath quickens, my heart races.

My body tightens, my mind spins.

You are this precious little being that had my love from the beginning.

I am not capable of forgetting.

You were quite a miracle.

This pain is permanent.

This pain is suffocating.

But here I am..

….left surviving.

Injuries, Life

A realization. My injuries in the past year are a metaphor. For my life. My trainer told me the other day sometimes you need to take a step back in order to progress forward. Twice now in the past 4 months I have injured myself by exercising. My body gives me a strong sign to slow down. But I ignore it. I pretend it’s all okay. I push through. I am afraid of losing ground. I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to feel weak.

The result? I make it worse. Until I have no choice but to surrender.

There were signs. Everywhere. My intuition was vibrating loudly at times. But I hushed the pulses. I blocked my ears. I closed my eyes. And drifted into my fairytale.

It’s true. I need to listen to my body more. I need to listen to my soul more. I need to trust. Myself.

Still

When I am still, it hurts

Moving so fast lessens the pain

But doesn’t make it go away

It only helps to keep me surviving each day

My body is tired

I keep pushing as if the harder I push

The more I can get away from the reality

Just being is too hard

I need distraction

I need my mind unfocused and chaotic

So it’s not allowed to think

Not too deeply anyway

My stomach sinks

And my heart drops

And it’s so crushing

And I wonder if my body and mind can sustain the weight

 

Me

It’s been six months

six months of my life

life that I will never get back

I still wish so much I could go back

I don’t want my history to be what it is

just accept

that’s the first step

that’s what I am told

but I’m not there

I have no idea how to place that acceptance

mostly because I don’t

I don’t accept it

do you know the pain I feel

it’s taking me

what’s left anyway

it turns out I am a good pretender after all

Never

Here it is five months later. And it still occupies my mind. Every. Single. Day. It’s amazing exactly how much a face can truly hide.

I’ve come to a point where I feel I will never be me again. I have lost such a big part of myself, I think me is lost forever. I cry in the shower. I cry while driving. I cry lying in bed. And I count on my hands the number of months until you would have been here.

I still feel pain, deep pain, at your selfishness. At your complete disregard for me. Maybe my heart seeks pain. But if so, why?

No one knows my pain. Not now. Not anymore. I am at a masquerade ball. My mask is one of the best.

Run

Getting stronger every day. Physically that is. And I asked my brother when will it help me emotionally and psychologically get stronger. “You can’t run from it” he told me, “You need to accept it.” I know this. But I still try. Both literally and figuratively. The loud music in my ears I admit isn’t helping like it once did. It’s become mundane maybe?

Every minute of every day. It’s still there. And despite you drifting so far away from my reality, every day I still look at my phone thinking your number will appear. I know all the reasons why you weren’t a stand up person, but my heart has the capacity to ignore. So logically I should not mourn you. But I do mourn for the most painful loss I have ever had to endure. I don’t even know if I am enduring it. I don’t know that that is possible. Time provides a softening in some ways but this pain is so raw and so deep, time can not fool the wound.

Somehow I am living my days. But there is a piece of my soul that is forever missing. And it scares me. I ¬†won’t quit. Not ever. But I don’t know how to accept this. I don’t how to be me again.

No Escaping

Every day. Every minute. Most seconds.

I can not escape you.

She says she’ll erase you from my memory but I can’t fathom.

Why do your words play on repeat in my mind?

I know what everyone sees is not real.

This pain, so deep, is outlasting my strength.

Every. Single. Day.

I wonder if you feel anything.

Do you ever think of me?

Of my face broken and pathetic.

Does the memory of me ever present itself?

I drive by your father’s grave and I selfishly ask for him to help you do the right thing.

But in reality, that time has passed.

This struggle is so hard.

I have made myself physically stronger.

I have literally started to fight.

I have pushed my limits so as to push away the pain.

And it all remains.

It all remains.