Surprise

Is it that I am naive? Is it that I trust too easily? And yet don’t at the same time. Is it that I don’t want to face the truth. My mind continues to run. And I think. And think. And think. What will it take for me to just accept? Time? But it’s been so long. None of it can really be explained. Chalk it up to stupidity or hope or just me dreaming.

Moving forward with a different perspective. A different opinion. And that is hard. Betrayal seems to be the theme.

But as my cousin has told me, all I need is within me. And right now, outside of the betrayal, I am experiencing a part of my life that was missing. For this I am grateful. And for this I am happy.

Tread Lightly

Funny. I just advised my friend to tread lightly. Things are complicated at this stage of the game. When you have your own family, they have their own family, and then significant others from the past mixed in, you can only do one thing – tread lightly.

I’m so tired these days. Yet, working on getting stronger. In all aspects. Such a conscious effort and daily self reflection. And an openness and willingness to change and be better. Not perfection. No not even close.

Significant changes in my life are right around the corner. In fact, looking back these past 5 plus years have only brought significant changes. Admittedly, I have become a bit numb. Is that good or bad?

 

Why?

Dear K –

So much I need to say and want to say. Yet I feel speechless. I ran today. The first time in 18 days. And it boggles my mind that I struggle with a 4.6 mile run when last year at this time I was running 16 miles with relative ease. The long runs I had learned to love. It gave me so much time to be in my own head. I had worked out so many emotions, good and bad, on those long runs. And today’s run brought me back to that space. It was no surprise that you filled my thoughts. Positive and negative. Why were you so angry with me? Why did you push me away? Why did you belittle me? Why did you hurt me? Why did you betray me? Why did you promise to hold my heart and love me more than anyone else could to only break my heart? Why?

In the beginning, I trusted you more than anyone else in my life. I gave you so much of me. So much that had never been given to anyone else before. Yes, I did so hesitantly. But you encouraged me. You told me not to be afraid. You told me I had to experience a little “ming-ming” – it was par for the course. I believed you. I was patient. Not always. But I think 5 years is a long time to be patient. I saved texts and messages to remind me. Some that spoke of how much you loved me and some that hurt me to my core. And I read them now with so much pain. And confusion. What did I ever do wrong to you? I went along with your rules for so many years despite how they hurt me. I would pretend our intimate moments didn’t exist when we found ourselves at mutual friend’s gatherings despite the hurt it caused me. I hid. I omitted the truth from conversations. Not because I wanted to. But because those were rules of the game. What came of your promises? Nothing changed for you. As I waited and hoped and dreamed, nothing changed for you. So I ask again, what did I ever do wrong to you?

My body never fit so perfectly with someone else’s as it did yours. My face in the crook of your neck. The smell of you. And your bed..something about your bed. It all seemed to make me melt. And ironically, feel safe.

Don’t think I am unaware of the things you are doing “behind the scenes” to hurt me. I admit I am naive, but I am not stupid. And I don’t understand why you want to hurt me. Why did you ever want to hurt me?

Why?

So. Very. Confused.

the mind so strong.

the ability to hurt. to heal.

what is real?

what is not?

my heart so wanting to be filled.

eagerly sipping it all in.

but consciously waiting to be broken.

it’s use to that now.

how do I protect?

to block, to shield.

but wanting to be open.

confused.

desperately distracted.

 

Simple Sadness

It waxes and wanes. Like the tide, it rises, then retreats. Back into the blackness.

Looking over my shoulder. It follows me. Weighing me down. Dragging my feet, breathing heavy, sometimes gasping for air.

Picking up speed, I try to outrun. But it inevitably catches me. Too often I surrender. Feeling weak and confused and beaten.

Watching the film of my life. My life I no longer live. My how easy it is to forget. Or is it only what I created to justify.

The lingering, the dwelling. But this, this is when I grow. Or so I thought.

Or so I thought.

Just Breathe

I know I need to write. There is so much to say. Yet I am left speechless. My mind feels like a dryer drum spinning and spinning. I am short of breath. Anemic? Yes. And probably contributing to my slow runs and struggle to keep going.

I’ve been missing the pause in my days. And running automatically gave that to me. Especially my long runs. Yes I am missing my long runs.

For now I am trying to remind myself more frequently to just breathe. Even that simple conscious breath is medicine. It’s the pause. The pause I need. Just Breathe.

Sleep?

Oh sleep where have you gone? I’ve missed you terribly. I am reminded of the days when I had newborns and not-so-graciously stumbled through my days. Seemingly awake but eyes half closed.

Between my new course, my extra work hours, and my 18 year old son who has made this whole college decision torture, I am sleep deprived. Angst, worry, frustration, and pure busy-ness have consumed me much to my own dismay. Deep breaths are welcomed when I remind them to present themselves.

Even my running has slowed incredibly. By a minute per mile. And those of you runners know that is significant. Whether it’s the side effect of my current life or an iron deficiency or maybe both, I am definitely feeling run down.

…and not-so-patiently waiting for sleep!