Dear K –
So much I need to say and want to say. Yet I feel speechless. I ran today. The first time in 18 days. And it boggles my mind that I struggle with a 4.6 mile run when last year at this time I was running 16 miles with relative ease. The long runs I had learned to love. It gave me so much time to be in my own head. I had worked out so many emotions, good and bad, on those long runs. And today’s run brought me back to that space. It was no surprise that you filled my thoughts. Positive and negative. Why were you so angry with me? Why did you push me away? Why did you belittle me? Why did you hurt me? Why did you betray me? Why did you promise to hold my heart and love me more than anyone else could to only break my heart? Why?
In the beginning, I trusted you more than anyone else in my life. I gave you so much of me. So much that had never been given to anyone else before. Yes, I did so hesitantly. But you encouraged me. You told me not to be afraid. You told me I had to experience a little “ming-ming” – it was par for the course. I believed you. I was patient. Not always. But I think 5 years is a long time to be patient. I saved texts and messages to remind me. Some that spoke of how much you loved me and some that hurt me to my core. And I read them now with so much pain. And confusion. What did I ever do wrong to you? I went along with your rules for so many years despite how they hurt me. I would pretend our intimate moments didn’t exist when we found ourselves at mutual friend’s gatherings despite the hurt it caused me. I hid. I omitted the truth from conversations. Not because I wanted to. But because those were rules of the game. What came of your promises? Nothing changed for you. As I waited and hoped and dreamed, nothing changed for you. So I ask again, what did I ever do wrong to you?
My body never fit so perfectly with someone else’s as it did yours. My face in the crook of your neck. The smell of you. And your bed..something about your bed. It all seemed to make me melt. And ironically, feel safe.
Don’t think I am unaware of the things you are doing “behind the scenes” to hurt me. I admit I am naive, but I am not stupid. And I don’t understand why you want to hurt me. Why did you ever want to hurt me?