Struggling With….

I love D, my 18 year old son, with all of my heart. But I am struggling. Actions he has made, comments he has stated, points of view he has expressed, and small mannerisms he has made are in direct conflict with how I felt I raised him. Is this because I faltered more than I thought? Is it his Dad in him? Is it immaturity? Is it him simply figuring himself out too?

It’s probably all of the above. When I see his Dad in him, the parts of his Dad that I, dare I say, despise, well I struggle with that the most. Because I just don’t respect it. At all. And with this, D has turned to his father a bit more these days. Ironically, this is what I have always wanted. However, it’s become a bit of opposing sides if that makes sense. His father has become the one who just makes things easy for D. No thought, no push back, no parenting really. And so I have become the bad cop. The one to avoid. The one who is left in the dark.

Is it my ego that wants so desperately to impart wisdom with my words creating a change in D’s actions that I perceive as positive? Is it my own insecurities of not being a “good enough” mom fueling disappointment? Or is just life? Just life playing out as it does. Guilty is how I feel. For having any disappointment. For wanting him to be better. Guilty.

Struggling with…it all.

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An Adult (by age anyway)

It’s snowing. Lightly. I can see the individual flakes dropping from the sky. Small piles filling the creases on the deck.

In two days you will turn 18. And technically the state will view you as an adult. Though you have looked forward to this day feeling it marks so much freedom, you must know it carries more responsibility as well. This in fact is yet another chapter of your precious life. Small steps to truly become independent in all ways. Finding my heart is swelling for you knowing so many wonderful things await you…it also has become a bit heavy for I understand this transition in your life pulls you in a direction that is opposite of where I stand.

In two short days, eighteen years ago you blessed this world with your being. To say it was easy and wonderful and magical would be untrue. I was young and hurting and unbalanced. I was drained. Labor had extended well over a day. The emergency c-section left me with a nicked blood vessel unbeknown to the doctors. So while my body tried to stabilize from the delivery, I was also loosing blood. But you, you were perfect. So incredibly beautiful. The day we left the hospital it was snowing. A bit more than it is today. And that day was the newest chapter in my life.

Like yesterday, the memory of your drunken face when you would finish breast feeding, how the crease above your top lip would remain. Your skin was so incredibly soft and your head fit perfectly in the crease of my arm. Looking at your toes, I would study you, this miracle given to me. So much has changed. Our home, the dynamics, the shifts in our personalities as we worked to be mother and son. Faltered more than a few times, I know I always tried my best. Snuggling next to you in your day bed, feeding you your first foods in your high chair, the clean baby smell after a bath..so many moments, so tangible. I feel them all.

So eighteen. Cliche as it sounds, I can’t believe it. Regardless, I will always adore your hugs. Your smile melts my heart every time. Your singing voice coming from the shower. Watching you walk around the house wrapped up in my blanket. And knowing the reason why you’ve taken a nap in my bed while I’m at work is because on a level you too feel this shift.

As the tears roll down my face, my heart feels so heavy. I miss you already. Know it doesn’t matter the age..you will always, always be my baby.

xo

Giving

Here we are on Thanksgiving Eve. Please tell me how a year went by so very fast! Last year my post was a reflection on 10 things for which I am thankful. One year later, it all remains true..and then some. But Thanksgiving is not only about being thankful but also about giving РThanks  Giving.

So this year I’d like to focus on what I can give. Like last year, I’ll break it down to a top 10. I can give:

  1. A smile – to everyone. As I reminded T just this week, the smile you give may be the only one someone sees for the day. A smile can be the simplest sign of hope.
  2. My undivided attention – to my boys..without distractions, no phone, no computer, no cleaning. Just focus on what they are telling me.
  3. My time – whether it be volunteering at my boys’ schools, meeting with a friend who needs support, or sitting with patients who need that extra minute.
  4. My expertise – to help change children’s lives for the better. One at a time.
  5. My best – to my family, my friends, my co-workers. Just give my all to all I do.
  6. My love – I’ve learned it’s one thing to say the words “I love you” but quite another to show and give love.
  7. My compassion – whether it’s a simple gesture of kindness or offering a hand to hold.
  8. My respect – for those who keep us safe, for those who everyday put one foot in front of the other despite the obstacles, for those consistently standing up for what they believe to be true.
  9. My positive thoughts – thoughts become and blossom into actions. I will feed my positive wishes so they grow for you.
  10. My heart..someday. It’s pretty well protected today. But someday, soon I hope, I will give all my heart to someone who can hold it as if it were their most precious treasure.

I truly live in abundance. I am grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

13 Years Ago

It was just a short 13 years ago I was washing the kitchen floor, my belly uncomfortably big as it stretched to hold you, keeping you safe and warm and nestled. The phone rang. It was the doctor. “How do you feel about having the baby tomorrow morning?” You were a scheduled C-Section planned for October 10th. It would only be two days sooner, but it instantly became an overwhelming thought “No, I am not ready.” Having two days to finish cleaning, preparing mentally and physically seemed like a necessity. But, in the end the pros outweighed the cons. A few phone calls later, making plans for someone to watch your big brother, and the decision was made. I would be the first scheduled C-Section of the day. October 8, 2004.

I will admit when I learned I was pregnant for a second time, I was not overjoyed. I was scared. I felt guilty. Feeling as though I did not perfect being a mom to your big brother, I wondered how I could become a mom to two. I remember even apologizing to your big brother – he had no clue why – but in a weird, distorted way I felt like I was betraying him. I didn’t want to fail this mom gig.

You were here. And suddenly, I was a mom to two boys. You screamed as they quite literally opened up your world. I can imagine the bright lights of the operating room pierced your snug home. A beautiful, perfect baby boy. And how you looked so much like your dad. You had so many visitors, so many people who could not wait to hold you. A big brother who wore a baseball cap that proudly stated such looked at you admiringly. We brought you home a day early, ready to begin yet another chapter. I recovered much quicker and certainly much easier than with your brother. There were still challenging days and difficult moments, but it all fell into place.

You have been a miracle. A soul that is so full of love and kindness. A remarkable human being. I once thought how could my heart possibly have room for the love of another child. And yet, my heart does not remember how it felt without you in it. You and your brother together filled up my heart to completeness. You were given to me despite me not feeling ready or worthy. Someone or something obviously knew better than I. Thank you for being my son. Thank you for letting me be your mom. My world is so much brighter because of you. I love you my sweetest.

Messages

I once wrote about wishing I could go forward in time to see my boys okay – as a way of giving me peace today. Having a knowledge that in the end, it will all be okay. Lately, I have been having discussions with T, in response to his observations about his father, about life really and people. Truthfully, I have found it somewhat difficult walking a fine line between speaking negatively about his father’s actions/words and providing some clarification and lessons. As T gets older and starts to understand more I’d like to be able to offer positive words to ignite a knowingness in T that he does not have to follow his father’s path. And I speak specifically of T simply because of his recent conversations with me, but hope D hears me as well. At the moment D is muddled in between being a 17 year old, stubborn, on-the-verge-of-fleeing-the-nest-but-keeping-one-foot-cautiously-in-the-door, defiant, and yet loving and happy young man. He¬†knows his father, but he so desperately wants his father – on the surface I don’t think D is even aware of this feeling – consciously anyway. I, as his mom, am left in a challenging corner that I have been arduously working to maneuver. Which leads me to the purpose of this post. There have been so many messages I have hoped my boys receive from me and understand and keep with them as they grow.

  1. Always hold the door open for others – not just women, but everyone. A small gesture of kindness truly can spark a light of hope in someone’s day.
  2. Be unselfish in your life. The world is bigger than you and I. Know when you do for others, you actually benefit just as much.
  3. But..remember to take care of your self. When you grow your being in a positive light, when you feed your own soul, when you treat your mind, body, and spirit as the temple it is, you will evoke happy energy.
  4. Your past does not define your future. Every single day you have a choice.
  5. Exercise. It not only strengthens your muscles, it strengthens your mind.
  6. Volunteer. Give to charity. Make a difference. And don’t forget the Starfish Story.
  7. Respect your partner. Take a deep breath and please think before you speak. Words can’t be taken back. YOU own your actions and your words.
  8. Family. Don’t ever give up on family.
  9. Truth. In your life, be truth. Speak it, show it, and model it.
  10. Be kind. Remember you have no idea what someone has gone through, what they have endured or experienced.
  11. Don’t forget to respect others and yourself. We are all human beings existing in a shared space.
  12. Don’t get caught up in the small details so much so that you lose sight of the bigger picture.
  13. Someday if you have you own children, relish in each moment, every stage of their life, plant seeds of confidence, and self-worth, and love in their hearts with your words and your actions.
  14. Go to bed every night saying “Good Night, I love You” to at least one person.

I am sure I could add more to this list and maybe someday I will. But know my beautiful boys, I love you with all my heart. Everything I am and everything I do, is because of both of you. You are my heart. You are my soul. You are my breath. Please forgive me for the mistakes I have made as your mom, but know I have tried and will always try to do and be my best for you. You are my reason.

The Fourth

I do love everything about the Fourth of July. From parades to cookouts to the red, white, and blue to the fireworks. I love love fireworks. But this year is different. My boys decided to spend the holiday with their father. With their grandparents, cousins, aunt, and uncle. And their father’s girlfriend. If I told you my heart is hurting, it’d be an understatement. It’s a physical space I once shared with them…to be honest, I’m feeling somewhat replaced. My oldest was allowed to bring his girlfriend and as a result was in his glory. And T..well T just goes with the flow. But me, being without them on my favorite holiday pains me. It’s so incredibly opposite of all that I wanted. And this emptiness can feel suffocating. The tug of emotions. Happy for them and for their father to have this time with them…especially D who rarely spends time with his father. And I am happy for my (ex) in-laws for they love having their family together. Yet, the core of me is sad. And I get that may be selfish. And I get that time marches on. And I get that it’s been nearly five years. But family is in my heart. It’s in my being. And I don’t think any amount of time will change that for me.

So today I will spend time with my parents, my brother, and his family. And I will give my three precious nieces a few extra hugs today. Their ever relentless love for me will somehow soothe my shaking soul I know. And will keep me from just curling up in a ball, crying myself into a defeated sleep to wake to a reality that will shock me once again. I know chances are each stumble, each fall, will only act to strengthen me in the end. And I am fighting to stay clear, to stay strong, and true. This Fourth of July is different yes. But I think it just may be a turning point.

Here

drifting in and out

seeing, only briefly

feeling, minutes

there’s hope..look

it passes by

i reach, but too late

or maybe it was just a shadow

the pain festers

it holds tight..and maybe it needs to

the salty ocean in my eyes

creates waves down my face

and my breath, i catch it sometimes

it helps to plant my feet..on the cold ground

and the dreams, the dreams mock me

i wish

for not too much right?

i hold a present, of love

and it sits waiting, waiting for you

to open

my heart patiently beats

while my lungs hold so much air

and my body tightens

that open field?

yes, that one

please meet me there