Faith

This is long overdue. An examination of my marathon. Writing, with my left hand, about each mile. What I was feeling, thinking, seeing. I did it. And now I am having a hard time with the “results.” At the advice of my yoga teacher, I named the race. Faith. Each mile I needed to somehow relate to faith. Mentally working through each mile may just give me my life lesson she had said.

And this is where I am struggling. It was mile 16 I saw my my sister-in-law, nieces, T, my dad, and my mom. My interaction was mostly with my mom however. T and my dad where standing back and up on some stairs. I wasn’t feeling very strong at this point or at least not as strong as I had in training. And from here it went downhill. After I saw my family, it went downhill. And honestly, I think it was more after I saw my mom specifically. Ugh. I became weaker. More in my head. Weak. Beaten. Defeated. Up until seeing my mom she had been sending me supportive texts. When I saw her, she was proud. She yelled out as I ran off “How are you feeling?” and T just happened to snap a picture the moment I turned to respond. The look on my face says it all.

So why after this point, the point where I should have felt an extra boost, did I lose energy?  I can still feel what it felt like now – the lack of energy. It was a gross feeling. It was so hard to keep moving. And truly I didn’t know if I could. I became my weak, old, self full of anxiety and panic. And that turns into a downward spiral. My brother was running also. He had been a few miles behind me. I called him to say I didn’t think I could do it. He told me to keep going, he’d catch up with me. I kept looking back, looking for him. He never caught up. But, the fact that he tried so hard still warms my heart. He was there for me.

I crossed the finish line that day. Not even close to the time I had trained for and expected. It wasn’t until hours later, I could reflect back on the race and notice the many gifts.

So faith. Faith in myself. In my strength. In my abilities. Trust in who I am. And probably most importantly, feeling confident in doing what I know is right…for me. Not doubting. Yes, faith.

Advertisements

Crazy

Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Maybe I made it all up? Maybe it wasn’t so bad? Maybe it’s me being the critical, complaining person I have been called getting all caught up in an exaggerated world. The hypocritical statements directed at me lead to confusion.

I suppose this is one reason I need to write. So I don’t forget. Because time has a way of blurring lines. But I start to feel so dark. As though my words reveal a black hole. Portraying me as a bottomless pit of negativity. I begin to get caught in a mix of anger, sadness, guilt, and then self-doubt.

Walking a fine line. There are so many things I miss. And things I would like. But how do I trust?

Eager

Waiting is never desirable. Anticipation can be torture. In addition, it takes away from the now. But I’d be lying if I said I weren’t eager. And isn’t that the same as waiting? As anticipating? I’m so tired. Sometimes it’s as though I am on a tilt-a-world or a roller coaster or just free falling. Sometimes it’s hard to walk, to put one foot in front of the other. But I am and I will. Stability would be nice. Assurance. Trust.