Steps

Are you overcome with joy? With anger? With guilt? Resentment? Happiness? Anxiety? Panic? Contentment? Gratitude? What is it that holds you so tightly? Is it strangling your very being or is it giving you much needed breath? Does it enable you to grow or does it stifle your dreams? Does it look you in the face and lie or does it hold truth in all its spoken and unspoken words?

On the contrary, maybe you have overcome hurt, pain, illness. Maybe you have overcome a life full of shadows, emptiness, and dead-ends. Maybe you have overcome being weak. Maybe you have softened the hard edges of your untrusting self. But maybe you are still waiting to overcome that day when your knees buckled beneath you.

All of the emotions are a kaleidoscope creating colors so bright that some offend your very eyes while others offer a soothing break. With each emotion know you are taking steps. Steps. Some may be forward and some backward. But it’s movement. And such is better than standing still.

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Waiting?

Much like a roller coaster, my life has been moving at what at times feels like warp speed, up and down. It’s been a year and a half of being separated. Yes, we are slowly ripping the band-aid off. Some may say it would be easier to just pull it off already. But this process, journey really, is much too important, much too sensitive to push through simply to just get through. I do find that each step feels like my heart is being twisted. Just as I recover from one step, anther one follows not too far behind. However, after each step, I become stronger. Do I question myself? Absolutely! But I have no choice. I am a mother above anything else. It’s my job, my responsibility to make sure I am doing what is best first and foremost for my children. So I decided about a year and a half ago I would model what it means to work through adversity; to remain respectful; to always hold love; to keep priorities in line; to cherish family; to know empathy and compassion; to have self-respect; to know peace; to collaborate; to embrace. So what am I waiting for? I’m not actually. I moving forward if ever so slowly.

Small Steps

Ironic how sometimes life feels like it’s moving in slow motion while other moments feel so fleeting. If this whole process has taught me anything, it is to be present. My separation is not official in that the Court has not deemed it so. The mere thought of a Court essentially confirming and therefore making official our decision about our lives, feels so wrong. In fact the thought alone makes me defensive. Separating is so personal and quite individual in that the circumstances surrounding it can be so complex, so unique. Is it not my right to determine what is right and wrong for my family? Truly I don’t need a Court to put their stamp of approval to know this any more than I already do. But such is the process and honestly one I am not looking forward to experiencing. To be clear, this is not why our separation has hung on now for a year and a half – to simply avoid Court. It’s not about avoidance. Really it’s the opposite. We have two boys. This will shape them forever. I have learned and luckily been coached by close friends to slow down. Part of this is learning, feeling, experiencing, enduring, overcoming, teaching. Rushing through will quickly get me to the other side but so much could be lost as a result. I have been determined to show my children that we will always be a family. Yes,  our family will exist differently than it once was. But is that bad? Does it have to be a negative? At the end of the day I have no one instance I can blame for getting us Here. The emotions are so deep. The layers upon layers of moments that stacked so high it toppled are complex in many ways. Also, a big part of me does not want blame to enter my space nor his. Blame won’t help, it won’t cure, it won’t fix any of this. I know as a mother I am doing what is right for my children. Isn’t that what really matters after all?