To Be…Not

Sometimes when you are in pain, in that moment, in that timeframe, you think it could not hurt anymore. But I discovered that is so wrong. Like being kicked when you are down. This is what I have felt for the past week. It has been a wave of constant hurt continuously smacking me against the rocky, sharp, unforgiving wall. I am left in-between this blockade and the thrashing, intensity of the waves…waiting for it all to stop.

Feelings of being overwhelmed followed by shock and sadness.

Strength found to be challenged again but with great force.

Some panic, some weakness, some all out craziness.

Again pure shock.

And then deep sadness and hurt and disbelief.

And I sat in this. All of it.

So twisted and surreal almost.

How ironic.

I lose myself from time to time. I get lost in the complexity and many paths. This past week, I lost all harmony.  Any sense of balance and peace was gone.

Maybe all these twists and turns is how I actually will find myself…….

 

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Honest

Can I be honest? I am scared. How will I support myself? How will I have enough money? I feel as though on so many levels, I have regressed in my life. My dream is gone. As I watch shows, movies, and friends live their lives, I harshly realize that my dream will never be. It no longer exists and now will never have the chance. As this mulls in the back of my mind, I can’t help but feel sadness and anger and fear.

Lately as I fall asleep my dreams are filled with people taking advantage of me or attempting to kill me. Suffice to say, I feel very vulnerable. And suddenly I am reminded of a song I sang to D while pregnant and quite frequently during his childhood.

“May the long time sun
Shine upon you,
All love surround you,
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on.”

kundalini yoga – farewell blessing

 

……just trying to find my way.

 

Crazy

Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Maybe I made it all up? Maybe it wasn’t so bad? Maybe it’s me being the critical, complaining person I have been called getting all caught up in an exaggerated world. The hypocritical statements directed at me lead to confusion.

I suppose this is one reason I need to write. So I don’t forget. Because time has a way of blurring lines. But I start to feel so dark. As though my words reveal a black hole. Portraying me as a bottomless pit of negativity. I begin to get caught in a mix of anger, sadness, guilt, and then self-doubt.

Walking a fine line. There are so many things I miss. And things I would like. But how do I trust?

What Are you Running From?

A marathon. 26.2 miles of running. Endurance, perseverance, mental toughness. In less than four weeks, I will complete (I hope!) my first marathon at the MCM in D.C. Please someone tell me what I was thinking when I agreed to do this? Wasn’t a year of divorce and being diagnosed with SIBO enough? Aah, but that is not my style. Never has been. I tend to push myself to limits. Why? I don’t want fear to prevent me from moving forward. Pushing myself through thick mud allows me to see and experience the other side.

Yes, my yoga teacher has stopped me several times now asking “So did you figure out what you are running from yet?” But I’d like to think I am running towards something. “Ha,” she said, “keep telling yourself that….” While running the other day, the question popped into my head. From the divorce. That is what I am running from. The divorce. But….I think that is too much the obvious. Although I think it’s a piece of the pie, it’s not the whole pie. Anger, sadness to the point of tears, and even elatedness surface during running. So what am I running from? Maybe it’s all those feelings and where they stem from? Maybe it’s from my old self? Maybe it is simply from the divorce? Memories? Hurt? Disappointment? Maybe it is from fear? Could it be that this time it is fear that is holding me back, holding me in? Interesting right? I push myself throughout my life to basically give the middle finger to fear, yet, right now I may be running away from it?

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
– A.A. Milne

Trying

Trying equals effort. Some days, it feels too much.

I received an article in my inbox today referencing a study that linked a father’s mood to his children’s development. The article peeked my interest as it was titled “Dad’s Bad Mood Affects Kids, Big Time.” (To read the article click here) I immediately felt validated in some way. Sounds silly I am sure. But I firmly believe our moods, stress, outlook, our state of being, all have energy that is shared.

The energy in our house was like a tornado. Intense, thrashing, silently destructive. It was picking up speed and strength. The only way to stop it, was to somehow get out of the center. The force so strong, it seemed impossible. Until there was a clearing one day, a small opening. And so to save my family, I reached through that opening.

But what lay on the other side was not simplicity nor pure bliss. Struggles remain – this is life after all. The energy however has balanced. Sadness lingers just the same.

But I am trying. With all that I have, I am trying.

Passing of Time

As I reached for my green tea bag, I sensed a routine. For a moment, it felt like that movie Groundhog Day. When the day continues to repeat itself. And then I suddenly felt a sadness. Time is passing by. The days, they go by so very quickly. There was a moment, a moment in time about a week ago. My oldest son was walking out of the kitchen as I was moving about – probably putting dishes away or cleaning off the counter. My head was down, focused on something else other than him. He called to me “Mom,” and I continued to move about but responded “what.” “I love you,” he said. That was a moment. I looked up immediately then and stopped. If only I could bottle that moment. Save it forever.

Isn’t it funny how music, music can just bring you to a place in time? A song can all at once send tears down your face or create a smile or a thought or a memory. A song can change your mood, your direction. This morning it brought me back to my childhood. And suddenly, I just felt sad. Sad because my life is passing by and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to slow it down.

Options are: becoming aware of those “moments,” physically and mentally slowing down, to breathe, and more than anything, living each and every moment completely. Becoming aware.

Old to New

I run every week. So much goes through my mind when I run. It does bring me some clarity. I never use to like to run. In fact, I would get a bit of anxiety before heading out for a run, my stomach would turn. Now I lace up my sneakers and just run. It’s like an old me and a new me. The new me runs and is able to reap so many more benefits – not only does my heart and lungs benefit, but my mind, my soul now benefits. I have become stronger in so many ways. And yet, I always seem to remind myself just before heading out for a run “hey, your stomach isn’t upset?” I say this because the old me I have realized is still hard in some ways to just let go. To say goodbye to. After all, it’s still me – good or bad, happy or weak, it’s me. The old me was stuck in a not-so-good place. I tried to push through daily. I tried so hard to be in a better place. And even now I can taste it – that place, I can taste. I don’t want to ever go back there. With that said, I find a small inch of me still struggles with letting it all go. I have to say goodbye to a part of my life, a big part of my life, that will no longer flourish the way in which I imagined. I’m discovering a way, albeit slowly, to take that old me and be at peace with all that I was and all that I am and all that I will be. Eliminate guilt and regret, anger and sadness and feel peace.