Why?

Dear K –

So much I need to say and want to say. Yet I feel speechless. I ran today. The first time in 18 days. And it boggles my mind that I struggle with a 4.6 mile run when last year at this time I was running 16 miles with relative ease. The long runs I had learned to love. It gave me so much time to be in my own head. I had worked out so many emotions, good and bad, on those long runs. And today’s run brought me back to that space. It was no surprise that you filled my thoughts. Positive and negative. Why were you so angry with me? Why did you push me away? Why did you belittle me? Why did you hurt me? Why did you betray me? Why did you promise to hold my heart and love me more than anyone else could to only break my heart? Why?

In the beginning, I trusted you more than anyone else in my life. I gave you so much of me. So much that had never been given to anyone else before. Yes, I did so hesitantly. But you encouraged me. You told me not to be afraid. You told me I had to experience a little “ming-ming” – it was par for the course. I believed you. I was patient. Not always. But I think 5 years is a long time to be patient. I saved texts and messages to remind me. Some that spoke of how much you loved me and some that hurt me to my core. And I read them now with so much pain. And confusion. What did I ever do wrong to you? I went along with your rules for so many years despite how they hurt me. I would pretend our intimate moments didn’t exist when we found ourselves at mutual friend’s gatherings despite the hurt it caused me. I hid. I omitted the truth from conversations. Not because I wanted to. But because those were rules of the game. What came of your promises? Nothing changed for you. As I waited and hoped and dreamed, nothing changed for you. So I ask again, what did I ever do wrong to you?

My body never fit so perfectly with someone else’s as it did yours. My face in the crook of your neck. The smell of you. And your bed..something about your bed. It all seemed to make me melt. And ironically, feel safe.

Don’t think I am unaware of the things you are doing “behind the scenes” to hurt me. I admit I am naive, but I am not stupid. And I don’t understand why you want to hurt me. Why did you ever want to hurt me?

Why?

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Just Breathe

I know I need to write. There is so much to say. Yet I am left speechless. My mind feels like a dryer drum spinning and spinning. I am short of breath. Anemic? Yes. And probably contributing to my slow runs and struggle to keep going.

I’ve been missing the pause in my days. And running automatically gave that to me. Especially my long runs. Yes I am missing my long runs.

For now I am trying to remind myself more frequently to just breathe. Even that simple conscious breath is medicine. It’s the pause. The pause I need. Just Breathe.

Sleep?

Oh sleep where have you gone? I’ve missed you terribly. I am reminded of the days when I had newborns and not-so-graciously stumbled through my days. Seemingly awake but eyes half closed.

Between my new course, my extra work hours, and my 18 year old son who has made this whole college decision torture, I am sleep deprived. Angst, worry, frustration, and pure busy-ness have consumed me much to my own dismay. Deep breaths are welcomed when I remind them to present themselves.

Even my running has slowed incredibly. By a minute per mile. And those of you runners know that is significant. Whether it’s the side effect of my current life or an iron deficiency or maybe both, I am definitely feeling run down.

…and not-so-patiently waiting for sleep!

Could it be?

The other day while driving I had one of those ah-ha moments. It was about being happy. Some time ago I wrote about my mom always telling me I was unhappy when I was younger. To this day, she continues to reference me as an unhappy child and how she tried so hard to “help.” My initial emotional reaction to this is anger. Even thinking about it boils my blood. But I suddenly realized it was HER feeling that she was placing on me. Growing up I couldn’t’ see this. I only knew how jumbled I felt inside. Anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, a feeling of being trapped and wanting to escape. I remember these feelings quite well. In fact I remember very clearly my first panic attack at 10 years old. And I remember clearly how for the next nearly 30 years after, I was intertwined with my mother’s emotions. If she answered the phone upset when I called, that only played out for me personally the rest of the day. Her thoughts quite honestly became mine. Although I never saw this.

I.Never.Saw.This.

Until quite literally almost 6 years ago I woke up. That’s what it felt like – waking up. And suddenly I saw so much and thought HOLY SHIT! It was this time I separated from my now ex-husband while also distancing myself from my mother. And it was this time that my panic and anxiety all but disappeared. How ironic.

To only validate my recent ah-ha moment, my mom sent me a text a few days ago. It read:
“I really cannot wait for Prince Charming to walk into your life even tho it’s not of that much importance to you. If that day happens I’ll be beyond happy.”

So even though she acknowledges it’s not as important to me, it’s what she wants. It’s what will make HER happy. At 43 years old, she still tells me I need to wear my hair a certain way, to put more makeup on. She even told me recently she’ll pay for a make-over. These are things SHE wants me to do. And yet, I feel fine the way I am. I have worked so hard on my emotional, psychological, and physical state. And I am proud of this work. I think I do a pretty damn good job.

The smile I wear walking through the halls at work (that yes, realistically aren’t every day because nothing is perfect), the peace I feel while running, the positive energy I share at yoga, the laughs I have with friends, the excitement I feel when watching T play hockey, the proud feeling when D receives another college acceptance…all of this and then some is my happy.

MY happy.

What Next?

A few weeks ago I wrote about my amazing experience running and completing the Marine Corps Marathon. Since then I have been medically advised to take a step back from running as well as any truly vigorous exercise. To heal. Though the recommendation is medical based and relevant to my GI tract, I believe it’s also about me healing emotionally. Time seems to have sped up in a way that the days get ahead of me. I literally lose words. I am exhausted. While I try to process the marathon or rather hold tight to the liberating emotions of that day, I find myself struggling to keep up.

And I am trying to figure out what next. Yet, slowly opening myself to allow “what next” to find me. Somehow that seems more romantic.

Long walks and heated yoga classes, good books, new recipes, and pauses to look out the window are all part of my current prescription. Oh, and keeping warm under a cozy quilt.

When the moments seem to be on fast forward, what do you do to find the calm amongst it all?