Just Me

So many people tell me I need to find a boyfriend. That’s their “fix” for me. “You need a guy.” And I do. I want someone in my life. But not as a bandaid for the pain. Not as a distraction. I’m so settled in this place of needing to feel and process. And at times I even question this thought process. Am I thinking too much? Am I being too hard on myself? Am I purposefully denying myself? Do you know how sometimes you try to explain something but it never sounds right? Well I came across this article yesterday and it so resonated, feeling like THIS is what I have been feeling really but have failed to explain in a way that makes sense.

Even T has asked to help create a profile for me on an online dating site. And I see him feeling like he somehow needs to take care of me. He watches his father with his girlfriend and though notices how completely different his father acts when in her presence, he also feels love and a togetherness. I want that. But not just because people are telling me I need that or because I need someone to fix me or my pain. I want someone who wants to be by my side sometimes pulling me forward to bigger adventures. Someone who carries hope on their shoulder. Someone who seeks opportunities. Someone who is not afraid. Someone who is strong and makes me feel just as empowered. Someone who is not afraid to laugh at themselves. Who can speak the truth and whose actions emulate truth. Someone who can make me laugh. Someone who respects all of me – not just sometimes, when it’s convenient, but always.

Until then I am learning to be okay. With me. Just me. I use to live a life where I was distant from myself. Slowly that is changing.

Regret Versus Guilt

So by now you must know I carry a lot of guilt. Waxes and wanes, but always peaking its head around the corner daring to be seen, guilt is ever present. At times I am able to assuage this annoying and often incredibly persistent emotion. While other times, I succumb to the drowning effects.

Certainly regret and guilt are not mutually exclusive. They seemingly both stir up negativity in many ways. But for me, in my case of divorce, one does not mean the other. To clarify – because I carry this guilt does not equate to regret. Admittedly, the weight is slowly lifting. And yet, I truly don’t think will ever completely disappear. The definition of being a parent surely includes feeling guilt. Somewhere in there it must state “be prepared to go to bed many a night feeling guilty.” But, I did not choose divorce in that I ultimately had no choice. Despite the many good “things,” some of the best were not shining through or even present. For example, I want my boys to witness love at it’s core; to experience first hand what respect looks and feels like between two people who have promised their life together; to sense compassion; to taste the sweet, sweet taste of undying selflessness; to witness patience and self-control; to appreciate the ups and downs are to be travelled together.

Yes, there is a possibility that I will never be able to personally exemplify all of this for them. But, they are no longer living in a place where the opposite exists and teaches them all that should never be taught.

Guilt? Yes. Regret? No.

This morning I read a beautiful post. It was the reminder I needed. My boys are strong. And I think that maybe, just maybe, I am too.

‘Honey, that challenge was made for you. It might hurt, but it will also nurture wisdom, courage, and character. I can see what you’re going through, and it’s big. But I can also see your strength, and that’s even bigger. This won’t be easy, but we can do hard things.’                        -Glennon Doyle Melton

 

It’s Not Okay

Hanging up on me – it’s not okay.

Telling me every time I place the key in the house door, or my car door, or see my boys, it’s because of you. Because you gave me a great life. It’s not okay.

These actions and comments represent a lack of respect. A lack of any acknowledgement of what I do, of what I contribute.

And every time I feel these words, like knives, they cut so deep. So deep I am not sure where the damage ends.

Stating how I feel only lends itself to comments that I am controlling. Exaggerations become truth. The web becomes insular. Yet, the weaver is ignorant to this, only projecting.

Truth is…I am so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I know I will be okay. I know this. I have to be.

A Happy Space

While on a run today it became clear to me that we put quite a bit of pressure on our relationship. There were so many pieces that fit but there were significantly bigger pieces that did not. As we struggled to make those bigger pieces fall into a perfect place, we actually ended up putting strain on the well-fit pieces. Does that make sense? Our intentions were aligned. We didn’t want to fail. But what I felt on my run today was a Happy Space. We slowly have eliminated the pressure of trying to make pieces fit that just would not and could not fit. By doing this, we opened up a space which allows us to focus on the pieces that do fit. This isn’t failure. It’s acceptance. It’s respect. What I felt today was peace. And it felt so wonderful.