Regret Versus Guilt

So by now you must know I carry a lot of guilt. Waxes and wanes, but always peaking its head around the corner daring to be seen, guilt is ever present. At times I am able to assuage this annoying and often incredibly persistent emotion. While other times, I succumb to the drowning effects.

Certainly regret and guilt are not mutually exclusive. They seemingly both stir up negativity in many ways. But for me, in my case of divorce, one does not mean the other. To clarify – because I carry this guilt does not equate to regret. Admittedly, the weight is slowly lifting. And yet, I truly don’t think will ever completely disappear. The definition of being a parent surely includes feeling guilt. Somewhere in there it must state “be prepared to go to bed many a night feeling guilty.” But, I did not choose divorce in that I ultimately had no choice. Despite the many good “things,” some of the best were not shining through or even present. For example, I want my boys to witness love at it’s core; to experience first hand what respect looks and feels like between two people who have promised their life together; to sense compassion; to taste the sweet, sweet taste of undying selflessness; to witness patience and self-control; to appreciate the ups and downs are to be travelled together.

Yes, there is a possibility that I will never be able to personally exemplify all of this for them. But, they are no longer living in a place where the opposite exists and teaches them all that should never be taught.

Guilt? Yes. Regret? No.

This morning I read a beautiful post. It was the reminder I needed. My boys are strong. And I think that maybe, just maybe, I am too.

‘Honey, that challenge was made for you. It might hurt, but it will also nurture wisdom, courage, and character. I can see what you’re going through, and it’s big. But I can also see your strength, and that’s even bigger. This won’t be easy, but we can do hard things.’                        -Glennon Doyle Melton

 

It’s Not Okay

Hanging up on me – it’s not okay.

Telling me every time I place the key in the house door, or my car door, or see my boys, it’s because of you. Because you gave me a great life. It’s not okay.

These actions and comments represent a lack of respect. A lack of any acknowledgement of what I do, of what I contribute.

And every time I feel these words, like knives, they cut so deep. So deep I am not sure where the damage ends.

Stating how I feel only lends itself to comments that I am controlling. Exaggerations become truth. The web becomes insular. Yet, the weaver is ignorant to this, only projecting.

Truth is…I am so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I know I will be okay. I know this. I have to be.

A Happy Space

While on a run today it became clear to me that we put quite a bit of pressure on our relationship. There were so many pieces that fit but there were significantly bigger pieces that did not. As we struggled to make those bigger pieces fall into a perfect place, we actually ended up putting strain on the well-fit pieces. Does that make sense? Our intentions were aligned. We didn’t want to fail. But what I felt on my run today was a Happy Space. We slowly have eliminated the pressure of trying to make pieces fit that just would not and could not fit. By doing this, we opened up a space which allows us to focus on the pieces that do fit. This isn’t failure. It’s acceptance. It’s respect. What I felt today was peace. And it felt so wonderful.