Being

This morning in yoga class, there were several passages read…more than once throughout the class. Although this is not word for word, they read something like this:

 

Some feel walking on water is a miracle. But the true miracle lies in walking on this green earth mindfully and peacefully.

What we think, what we do, what we feel, affects our ancestors and future generations.

 

They both intertwine in meaning. Be present. Be aware. Be kind.

While driving to class this morning, I suddenly realized it had been a few days since practicing Reiki. Impulsively I felt disappointed in myself. But…I practiced during yoga. If you fall down, it’s okay. It’s another opportunity. Another chance to get back up. Just be.

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Figuring it out

So yes it’s “official,” I am a Reiki 1st degree practitioner. Funny, I was “practicing” on my youngest son last night. I had my hands on either side of his head. After probably less than a  minute, he wiggles around and says “ok that is weird. stop.” It made me smile. It’s energy. All around us. Energy. If nothing us, the workshop was a reminder to slow down, be still, be present, meditate. It strengthened me in a way that I know I can move forward, figuring it all out.

Could I confess something? During the introduction at the workshop (there were only five of us plus the teacher/master), I completely embarrassed myself. Important to note here, my neighbor was also a part of this workshop. At the time, I felt so vulnerable, in pain, needing, searching. But, at the end of the day, reflecting back, I became embarrassed thinking about it. I’ll admit the day did not feel as though it fulfilled what I was hoping. As a result, my initial “breakdown” somehow felt in vain. It’s only been over the course of the days following that I am figuring it out. Maybe I didn’t receive what I was hoping, but I received what I needed? And that is where the strength lies.

There is a Reiki 2nd degree workshop being offered next month. Somehow for me it feels too rushed, not right for me at this time, maybe never.

But I know, either way, it’s all going to be ok. Because I’m figuring it all out.

Life

It’s snowing. I’m breathing. Practicing Reiki daily now for four days. Yoga was intense and so incredibly perfect last night. I’m watching. Listening. Seeing. I’m feeling. And sensing. This is life. It can be a contradiction. Hypocritical. I’m squeezing out a path. I.Am.Me.

A New Year…Beginning?

I can not believe it has been nearly two months since my last post. I could blame it on the holidays, the busy-ness of it all. But honestly there were many a  night I lied in bed having so much to say, so much to write and yet my computer felt so far away. And so my thoughts drifted into dreams until I awoke the next morning to start again. Maybe even anew.

The new year, 2016, marks three solid years of my separation. Three solid years. I surely feel more stable, but not healed. Will I ever? Can I be honest? I miss family vacations. Family vacations were always guaranteed fun. Everyone was on their best behavior, we had so many laughs, and we were exploring. An adventure – and I LOVE adventure. I remember family vacations explicitly as a child. I remember my mom so stressed about getting everything together (at the time she was afraid to fly, so we drove everywhere to vacation). “Did you turn off the iron?” And a U-Turn we’d make to make sure the iron was in fact turned off. I feel like this is a big piece I am robbing my boys of – family vacations. It creates a void inside of me that I am not so sure can be filled. It’s a squeezing of my insides when these realities fill me. So when will I be healed?

Today I am participating in an all day Reiki workshop. Friends have asked “Why? Are you going to teach Reiki?” No. Not now anyway. That is not my goal. Right now I just want a way to heal myself. To teach..myself. I know I can do it. And I am ready. I have never been a part of a Reiki workshop. But I have always been intrigued. In fact, the discussion of Reiki three and a half years ago sparked great change in my life.

My yoga teacher asked me a couple of weeks ago what I was running from (she had noticed how incredibly tight my left hamstring was and knows my running history).  I smiled and let out a small laugh. But I didn’t feel like I was running from anything. I feel I am running towards something. And so I begin. A New year…beginning.