A Change?

Changing careers. Directions. A new path? I have so much to ponder lately. Selling my home in about a year; and the stark reality that a year is not very long. D leaving for college in five months; and yet another hard reality that five months feels like five minutes. T choosing a high school. The empathetic pressure I hold for him. And now, the possibility of me changing course with my career.

As I mentioned it to D last night, he felt it may be difficult to change careers at my age. He so boldly stated “Mom at age 43 it may be tough.” Further explaining a younger generation will have the upper-hand when it comes to applying for new jobs. Instantly feeling as though a challenge had been presented, I felt an overwhelming feeling of “No way. Hell no.” My perseverance, dedication, commitment, and willingness to push limits can serve me well at times. And this time will be no exception. IF I choose to take a new path.

Is this the right time? How will a new job affect my application for a new mortgage next year? And with this question, my mind panics with the knowledge that I will be setting off alone to purchase a new home. There is definitely a sense of empowerment, a feeling that evokes strength. But, fear is walking alongside as well.

I work with children. My job has a deep purpose. But my manager has created an environment in which we all feel stressed, unheard, defeated in many ways, manipulated, and lied to. She is not the reason I am there; And I point this out to myself many times as I try to find the truest answer to my questions “Is this the time to change careers? Should I change careers?”

We celebrated a fellow employee’s retirement last night. Our team of fifteen women shared stories, laughed, and reflected on our career of serving, of creating change, of touching lives. This dinner made me question myself hard about my decision. I realize I can not make a knee-jerk decision based on my manager just as much as I can’t make a knee-jerk decision based on a dinner.

What to do? What to do?

Advertisements

Changing

 

I read an article a few days ago offering advice to respond to situations in a new light. Change old habits of impulse reactions, particularly ones that involve anger, negativity, resentment. Note the usual reaction, stop, and try a new way. Changing thought patterns. Clearing a new path. I like it. I like the suggestion. It feels, I don’t know, hopeful? I actually  practiced it the other night. As I lay thinking about a friend who has hurt me on so many levels, I found my anger rising, my body tightening, and then….I stopped. I acknowledged this almost habitual response and decided to consciously process my response differently. In a more constructive or at least less negative-feeling way. What I have noticed is when I start to feel this anger and hurt, it snowballs. My body and mind pay the price. So in this moment I took a deep breath, placed one hand on my stomach, my center, and one hand on my heart and I let it go. Did it make it hurt any less? Not so much. But what it provided was a place where that hurt could no longer control and weaken me. It was a safe haven of sorts. And I did’t have to physically go anywhere.

It is all here – within me.

To Be…Not

Sometimes when you are in pain, in that moment, in that timeframe, you think it could not hurt anymore. But I discovered that is so wrong. Like being kicked when you are down. This is what I have felt for the past week. It has been a wave of constant hurt continuously smacking me against the rocky, sharp, unforgiving wall. I am left in-between this blockade and the thrashing, intensity of the waves…waiting for it all to stop.

Feelings of being overwhelmed followed by shock and sadness.

Strength found to be challenged again but with great force.

Some panic, some weakness, some all out craziness.

Again pure shock.

And then deep sadness and hurt and disbelief.

And I sat in this. All of it.

So twisted and surreal almost.

How ironic.

I lose myself from time to time. I get lost in the complexity and many paths. This past week, I lost all harmony.  Any sense of balance and peace was gone.

Maybe all these twists and turns is how I actually will find myself…….

 

Most Confidently?

Walking forward, steadily trying to hold head high

Most Confidently?

Subtle pushes, this way and that

Lingering thoughts emerge, threaten to unsteady

Ignore? Muddle through? Daydream away…

Optimistic, nervous, feelings of guilt

All in one, surround

Like a mime, invisibility is everywhere

Choices, paths, journey

Second by second

moment by moment

day by day

Most confidently!

16!!!

How can it be that my oldest son is 16 today?? In a blink of an eye. Just like that. Today is a celebration. One for him – after all it is his birthday. And one for me too. For today was the day I became a mom for the first time. In all honesty, I struggled for some time. But on this day, 16 years ago, truth is, my dream came true.

“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood – finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”         ― Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match

He is all emotions wrapped into one. Often a paradox. Pieces of me. All my love.

Happy, Happy 16th Birthday! May you not only find peace, but create peace as you follow your path.

xo

Life

It’s snowing. I’m breathing. Practicing Reiki daily now for four days. Yoga was intense and so incredibly perfect last night. I’m watching. Listening. Seeing. I’m feeling. And sensing. This is life. It can be a contradiction. Hypocritical. I’m squeezing out a path. I.Am.Me.

What Defines You?

Several years ago a friend of mine made a cluster of lousy choices. He hurt people as a result. Himself included. It took me several months to write him. To reach out to him. There was much to process. Firstly, why did he do what he did? How? But who am I to judge someone else? So…I wrote him…an email. I told him I did not believe his character was so much based on what he did up to that point. I did not believe who he was should necessarily be defined by his choices up to that point. I believed his true character, his true being, would be defined by how he chose to move forward. Would he stand up to falter again? Would he walk away from his mistakes never to learn? Would he blame? Would he make excuses? Or….would he change? By change, I mean would he get to the core of who he was and be better for it? Would he be able to look back not so much in regret but in acknowledgement? In acceptance for who he was but clear about who he is..now? Ironically, there will be people along that path who choose themselves to not forget, to blame, to continue to define him by those choices. Those people alone can tug on his rope that he struggles to use to help propel him forward. It certainly will cause for more callouses, but tougher, stronger skin will result.
Sometimes words can come full circle. You send them out to the world to help, and sometimes, later, they come back…to help. Even when the circumstances are completely different.