Much like a roller coaster, my life has been moving at what at times feels like warp speed, up and down. It’s been a year and a half of being separated. Yes, we are slowly ripping the band-aid off. Some may say it would be easier to just pull it off already. But this process, journey really, is much too important, much too sensitive to push through simply to just get through. I do find that each step feels like my heart is being twisted. Just as I recover from one step, anther one follows not too far behind. However, after each step, I become stronger. Do I question myself? Absolutely! But I have no choice. I am a mother above anything else. It’s my job, my responsibility to make sure I am doing what is best first and foremost for my children. So I decided about a year and a half ago I would model what it means to work through adversity; to remain respectful; to always hold love; to keep priorities in line; to cherish family; to know empathy and compassion; to have self-respect; to know peace; to collaborate; to embrace. So what am I waiting for? I’m not actually. I moving forward if ever so slowly.
These past few weeks have not passed without hesitation. Hesitation with every decision I am making. Hesitation with every step. Hesitation with every thought. Days of sadness mixed with days of near complete clarity. Well, more like moments of complete clarity. Reality is I have done nothing yet that has been permanent. I think this is where the hesitation slides in. Permanence is scary. Permanence is quite unknown. I have had this pit in my stomach. A gnawing. I have stopped to take deep breaths to move past this feeling. But all of this is part of the process. I pause and see my boys laughing, smiling, and enjoying their moments, small slivers of their life. It’s they who give me strength and purpose. It’s all about them. So it’s no wonder after all that moving forward is…..with hesitation.