Changing

 

I read an article a few days ago offering advice to respond to situations in a new light. Change old habits of impulse reactions, particularly ones that involve anger, negativity, resentment. Note the usual reaction, stop, and try a new way. Changing thought patterns. Clearing a new path. I like it. I like the suggestion. It feels, I don’t know, hopeful? I actually ¬†practiced it the other night. As I lay thinking about a friend who has hurt me on so many levels, I found my anger rising, my body tightening, and then….I stopped. I acknowledged this almost habitual response and decided to consciously process my response differently. In a more constructive or at least less negative-feeling way. What I have noticed is when I start to feel this anger and hurt, it snowballs. My body and mind pay the price. So in this moment I took a deep breath, placed one hand on my stomach, my center, and one hand on my heart and I let it go. Did it make it hurt any less? Not so much. But what it provided was a place where that hurt could no longer control and weaken me. It was a safe haven of sorts. And I did’t have to physically go anywhere.

It is all here – within me.

D Day

Three days. Actually less. In less than 72 hours, I will sit in a courtroom surrounded by strangers. I will state my name, my salary, my state of health. Simple yeses to complicated questions. An agreement that lays claim to the next five years of my life. And then…I’m left. Swim or sink. Numb and hollow walking down the halls of work, driving down well known streets, brushing my teeth, and lying there. Unable to sleep.

“The way to be strong in any relationship I think is to just look at yourself and the other person honestly. The hardest most strong thing any two people can do.” B.C.K.

This is what I did….it led me here.

With my weakened body and mind, stepping forward into what feels like a dark cave at times, I anticipate. Divorce. It’s everything I am not. But hope and peace are…me.

A Single Word

Amazing how the body can remember. The mind, without consciously thinking it, feels it, instantly. Memory. The response is automatic…because it’s what your body knows. Crying out loud. Tears. Sobs echoing in the hallway. No matter how strong one thinks they are, lurking is always a reminder that may threaten to weaken. This, this space, is where holding on tight, remaining strong, and realizing the gust may push back but it will not push down. It’s not allowed.