12!

Twelve short years ago, I became a mom a second time over. My heart swelled to new dimensions. How I thought I couldn’t love another child as I did my first is beyond me. A mother’s love is immeasurable, infinite.

Remembering as if it were yesterday, feeding him in the middle of the night, rocking in the red rocking chair, singing “Amazing Grace” or “America the Beautiful”. He fit in the crook of my arm, his face so sweet. Perfection.

He has grown in his few short twelve years to be one of the most kind, empathetic, sweet, intuitive  people I know. Only a half of an inch shy of my height now, his hands larger than mine, his feet longer, and his smile greater. I look at him and think how lucky I am to be his mother.

Twelve just happens to be his hockey number. So this year, he is beyond ecstatic to reach this age. I, however, am requesting time to slow down. He no longer fits in the crook of my arm. In fact, when I hug him, my head fits in the crook of his neck. Yet, no matter how big, or how old he is, he will always fit inside my heart. Always.

Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet baby! I love you more! xo

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Giving

I stumbled upon a blog mumturnedmom.com¬†and was intrigued by the weekly “The Prompt.” Writers use the prompt provided to create – a poem, a story, a blog entry. Love the idea. So here I am participating in my first Prompt – Giving.

As I held my first newborn son over sixteen years ago, I was giving. I was giving all that I had. Energy, love, time, attention. Looking back, I was also learning so much. I was lost trying to find the place where I could feel competent and confident as a new mom. Yes, I struggled. But there is no doubt, I was giving – the best I could.

When I became pregnant with my second son, I remember feeling sorry. I was sorry I had not perfected being a mom to D; that I would take time away from him. I now know and realized soon after T was born that my thoughts were not logical. Amazing how a heart can love so much!

Honestly, though, I have cried myself to sleep many a night feeling as though I had failed as a mom that day. I am starting to realize I may never get it “right.” It will never be perfect. Or exact. Or precise. It’s time to let myself just be – be in the moment, be happy, be grateful, be a mom – in all my imperfections.

I’m so incredibly lucky to be a mom to two boys who give to me all the time.

Two days ago when dropping D off at the bus stop, I wished him a happy day as I often do. Just before the door closed, I heard “I love you.” I suddenly looked to my left and watched this boy, my son, walk away. All I felt in that moment was so loved, so happy. My heart swelled.

Last night when tucking T into bed his final request was to let him know when I was tucked into my bed. As I pulled the covers over me, I did just that. And I heard “OK. Good Night Mom. I love you.” Giving.

I will always give to my boys. My heart, my love, my time, my thoughts. And so it seems, my boys are doing the same for me.

 

 

14 Reasons Why I am Lucky

I guess in some shape or form we all have reasons for being and feeling lucky. But are we lucky as a result of some cosmic force providing us with wonderful pieces of our life? Or are we lucky as a direct result of reaping what we sow? Or maybe it’s because we just opened our eyes wide enough and altered our perspective just so? Whatever the reasons may be, they are there….reasons why you, me, are lucky. Certainly, I have more than just 14 reasons of why I am lucky. But, 14 is an important number in my life, a marker. So to list 14 just felt right. The first 7 are the more obvious of reasons. The bricks of my life per se. The second set of 7 are the deeper reasons. The ones that hold the bricks together and complete the structure, my life.

1. My two beautiful, amazing boys. Everyday they push me to be a better mom, a better person. They keep me in line. Make me question myself…in a constructive way. They are my motivation, my inspiration, my heart, and my soul.
2. My health. I am able to run, to practice yoga, to take deep breaths. I am able to clean my house, to walk my dog, and weed my yard. I am alive and well.
3. My friends. It’s nice to have people I can talk with, discuss my worries. Even complain. It’s wonderful to know I am thought of in so many ways.
4. My family. How lucky am I that I have family I can depend on to be there for me when I need them. I am loved.
5. My job. In my work, I have the ability to make a difference in a child’s life, however small. And they have made a difference in mine. What I do during my work hours is meaningful and full of hope.
6. My home. I have a roof over my head, a cozy bed, warm blankets, pictures on the wall that remind me of how great my life was, is, and is sure to be.
7. My dog. Yes, even my dog. He is such a caring, loving, sociable fluffy ball of happiness.
8. My breath. It centers me. Instantly relaxes me. It’s a gift that is always available.
9. Exercise. Some days it’s more challenging to begin a workout. But I never regret pushing myself to move. It uplifts my spirit. It feeds my body.
10. My sense of self. I have only relatively recently been able to feel and show my true sense of self. It was always there and shined at times. But now it’s more blatant. It makes me feel stronger.
11. Memories. Some good, some bad. But they all serve a purpose, a lesson, a reminder. I can look back with gratitude. I feel blessed.
12. Meditation. However short my practice is at this time, I’m still discovering. And escaping to a neutral space that allows me to stay the course.
13. To connect. I can connect with people. How amazing. Sometimes someone can relate the smallest of gestures that make the biggest impact. Stay open and feel the power of connecting.
14. My window. Sounds funny right? My window? Yes. I can look outside and watch my children play, hear their giggles, see their smiles, watch the intensity of their faces as they chase each other or ride their scooters or throw a football. I can see the flowers bloom and the grass getting longer. I can watch the cars drive by and the mail be delivered. All of these moments, these small gestures of life, remind me of why I am lucky.

Take a moment. Look out the window. Life is good.