Home

A raised ranch. Natural shingles. White trim. A silly sign that read “Beware of Dog.” Ah, my Old English Sheepdog. So strong. So loved. My father’s oversized garage. The way the driveway angled. Our additions…the sunroom, the deck, the above ground pool. Royal blue rugs turned to hard wood floors. A paisley-like blue pattern switched to red and white buffalo checks. Walls torn down. Walls created. That olive green tub. The mural that adorned all the walls of my room. And then were covered with soft pink paint. From a  toddler to a teenager. Pushing a toy truck to running to the back door to greet the boy that had tossed chunks of dirt and grass at my bedroom window to wake me. I look outside and see my brother mowing the lawn on the riding tractor. It was black and silver. And over time, the seat started to rip and my father held it together with duct tape. A surprise 13th Birthday party. A sleepover in third grade. The one where I waited for my mom to get mad. The lavender purple phone I received from my best friend as a gift. The Janet Jackson cassette tape. And my favorite – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. The tire swing. That once was home to hornets. It was my first sting. My half of a grapefruit sprinkled with sugar breakfast. The days I walked out of the house with colored eye shadow. Getting ready for my first prom. Watching the Red Sox on my small black and white TV in my room. Sitting on the steps wishing to be sick so as to cause distraction to my arguing parents on Christmas morning. Putting all my clothes in a wrapped up blanket and threatening to runaway. Running down the street from the bus and seeing my mom with her bathrobe and curlers waiting at the door. The yelling, the laughter, the crying, the smiles, the tears, the joy and yes, even the pain.

My mind is full of memories. That home nestled on the end of a once dead end street, molded me. I left my signature inside the closet. My stamp that I was there. I loved that home. Years ago it was for sale. My family and I went to the open house. Walking through the rooms, everything was so much smaller than it had felt as a child. Keeping my glasses on, they offered a shield hiding the tears. That home holds a piece of my heart. It provided me with a childhood full of not only memories, but lessons, heartache, growing pains, and love. I admit it is hard at times to reflect back. It causes a sincere heaviness in my heart. But, I know. I know I need to feel.

 

14 Reasons Why I am Lucky

I guess in some shape or form we all have reasons for being and feeling lucky. But are we lucky as a result of some cosmic force providing us with wonderful pieces of our life? Or are we lucky as a direct result of reaping what we sow? Or maybe it’s because we just opened our eyes wide enough and altered our perspective just so? Whatever the reasons may be, they are there….reasons why you, me, are lucky. Certainly, I have more than just 14 reasons of why I am lucky. But, 14 is an important number in my life, a marker. So to list 14 just felt right. The first 7 are the more obvious of reasons. The bricks of my life per se. The second set of 7 are the deeper reasons. The ones that hold the bricks together and complete the structure, my life.

1. My two beautiful, amazing boys. Everyday they push me to be a better mom, a better person. They keep me in line. Make me question myself…in a constructive way. They are my motivation, my inspiration, my heart, and my soul.
2. My health. I am able to run, to practice yoga, to take deep breaths. I am able to clean my house, to walk my dog, and weed my yard. I am alive and well.
3. My friends. It’s nice to have people I can talk with, discuss my worries. Even complain. It’s wonderful to know I am thought of in so many ways.
4. My family. How lucky am I that I have family I can depend on to be there for me when I need them. I am loved.
5. My job. In my work, I have the ability to make a difference in a child’s life, however small. And they have made a difference in mine. What I do during my work hours is meaningful and full of hope.
6. My home. I have a roof over my head, a cozy bed, warm blankets, pictures on the wall that remind me of how great my life was, is, and is sure to be.
7. My dog. Yes, even my dog. He is such a caring, loving, sociable fluffy ball of happiness.
8. My breath. It centers me. Instantly relaxes me. It’s a gift that is always available.
9. Exercise. Some days it’s more challenging to begin a workout. But I never regret pushing myself to move. It uplifts my spirit. It feeds my body.
10. My sense of self. I have only relatively recently been able to feel and show my true sense of self. It was always there and shined at times. But now it’s more blatant. It makes me feel stronger.
11. Memories. Some good, some bad. But they all serve a purpose, a lesson, a reminder. I can look back with gratitude. I feel blessed.
12. Meditation. However short my practice is at this time, I’m still discovering. And escaping to a neutral space that allows me to stay the course.
13. To connect. I can connect with people. How amazing. Sometimes someone can relate the smallest of gestures that make the biggest impact. Stay open and feel the power of connecting.
14. My window. Sounds funny right? My window? Yes. I can look outside and watch my children play, hear their giggles, see their smiles, watch the intensity of their faces as they chase each other or ride their scooters or throw a football. I can see the flowers bloom and the grass getting longer. I can watch the cars drive by and the mail be delivered. All of these moments, these small gestures of life, remind me of why I am lucky.

Take a moment. Look out the window. Life is good.

Spinning

For the past year and a half he and I have shared two homes in order for the boys’ lives to be less disrupted. It worked. But, for several reasons he can no longer live this way. I understand. However, I am scared, nervous, ….spinning. Next week we will purchase a second home where he will solely live. The boys will now alternate between two homes. We will keep the schedule the same so that no more than a day will go by where I don’t see them if only for a short time. My head is spinning so much that it almost becomes empty as all the thoughts and feelings seem to just spin away. It’s like that children’s Birthday party game, the one where you are blindfolded and someone spins you around several times, stops, and somehow while dizzy, you need to find your way.  I should mention my dream as a little girl. It was to be a mother. Part of that dream was becoming a wife and creating a family. I even had an age and a wedding date included in this dream. I wed one year older and six days past that dream wedding date. Funny how you seem to think your life unfolds just as you planned to just unfold in a way you never planned. Maybe I just need to spin for a while. Maybe it’s time to completely let go….and just spin.