Be

I’m trying, trying to demonstrate how I want my own boys to be

How I hope they will treat others…

But I am pushed back, not by them

I am not allowed to provide them the example I wish for them to witness

I have done all I feel I can, and then I try more

And my heart starts to ache, my breathing increases, but shallow

Don’t they deserve more?

Who are their role models?

How will they be better fathers and husbands if they haven’t witnessed a better example?

My purpose in my life was without a doubt to be a mom

And I will always work to be better at my purpose

 

Be kind, be considerate, be unselfish, be giving

Be love, be happiness, be compassionate, be alive

Be nurturing, be supportive, be forgiving, be strong

Be a hero in your future children’s eyes

….and do not allow a moment to slip by when you can be everything to them

 

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On Being a Mom…

What’s it like to be a mom?

It’s extremes of emotions. I’d be lying if I said my boys do not ever make me so very angry or frustrated. Oh, but the love. The love I feel for them both. It’s bursting. The vastness of love I never knew before being a mom.

It’s connectedness. When my boys feel such strong emotions as hurt, anxiety, pure happiness, I feel it too. They once were both literally connected to me, my body. And somehow, in some amazing way, they both still are despite the physical cord no longer being attached.

It’s learning. Every single day, I am learning. Both boys seem to present me with what seems like pop quizzes in the class of parenting. While I admittedly do not pass all, I do my best in the moment. And always reflect back on how I can do better.

It’s giving. Never has it felt so beautiful to give to someone or something as it has to give to my children. In giving to them, I hope it positively trickles to the world however small it may be.

Being a mom is the ultimate journey. One that does not lead to a destination, but provides a continuous ride. A ride that may not always be smooth. But one that has been and is certain to continue to be, the best ride of my life.

I thank my children for giving me the title of “Mom.” It’s been a dream come true.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Giving

I stumbled upon a blog mumturnedmom.com and was intrigued by the weekly “The Prompt.” Writers use the prompt provided to create – a poem, a story, a blog entry. Love the idea. So here I am participating in my first Prompt – Giving.

As I held my first newborn son over sixteen years ago, I was giving. I was giving all that I had. Energy, love, time, attention. Looking back, I was also learning so much. I was lost trying to find the place where I could feel competent and confident as a new mom. Yes, I struggled. But there is no doubt, I was giving – the best I could.

When I became pregnant with my second son, I remember feeling sorry. I was sorry I had not perfected being a mom to D; that I would take time away from him. I now know and realized soon after T was born that my thoughts were not logical. Amazing how a heart can love so much!

Honestly, though, I have cried myself to sleep many a night feeling as though I had failed as a mom that day. I am starting to realize I may never get it “right.” It will never be perfect. Or exact. Or precise. It’s time to let myself just be – be in the moment, be happy, be grateful, be a mom – in all my imperfections.

I’m so incredibly lucky to be a mom to two boys who give to me all the time.

Two days ago when dropping D off at the bus stop, I wished him a happy day as I often do. Just before the door closed, I heard “I love you.” I suddenly looked to my left and watched this boy, my son, walk away. All I felt in that moment was so loved, so happy. My heart swelled.

Last night when tucking T into bed his final request was to let him know when I was tucked into my bed. As I pulled the covers over me, I did just that. And I heard “OK. Good Night Mom. I love you.” Giving.

I will always give to my boys. My heart, my love, my time, my thoughts. And so it seems, my boys are doing the same for me.