Hmmm….Dramatic?

Is Divorce dramaticOr does that description lend itself too much to a theater production? Maybe it’s that the act of divorce is not dramatic so much so as the consequences.

Divorce is breaking apart. But quite possibly it can also be pulling together. Ironic right? In the end, it’s all significant, life altering, and yes dramatic. Truthfully it has rocked my world. My gait unsteady. My mind a tornado of mismatched thoughts. My heart pulled in many directions yet all the while growing bigger and stronger as a result.

Synonyms for dramatic include – significant, considerable, substantial.

Significant? A path reworked. A family redefined. A heart aching for its loss.

Considerable? A life quite literally scheduled differently. A risk leading to vulnerability.

Substantial? Loss. Gain. Strength. Clarity.

So, yes, dramatic. In all its waves of change, divorce has left a lifelong imprint. And while the drama of it all can often implicate a negative aftermath, it continues to be a priority to find the balance. To provide the lesson. To foster growth, truth, and perseverance. To take something so crushing and manipulate it in a way that results in something positive. Something good.

There is no other option – I am a mother.

Missing

I’ve been missing. And I want to be found. Coming home to the visual empty spaces made me crack. I tried so hard to hold it together, but I failed. Day to day I try to rid myself of this hurt and pain. And I do have glimpses of clarity and happiness and wholeness and peace. I do. I watch my boys…closely. I just want them to be okay. And I need to be okay as well. For them. For me. You know what is interesting? I’m missing, yes. And it’s not that I want someone to find me. It’s that I want to find me.

With Hesitation….

These past few weeks have not passed without hesitation. Hesitation with every decision I am making. Hesitation with every step. Hesitation with every thought. Days of sadness mixed with days of near complete clarity. Well, more like moments of complete clarity. Reality is I have done nothing yet that has been permanent. I think this is where the hesitation slides in. Permanence is scary. Permanence is quite unknown. I have had this pit in my stomach. A gnawing. I have stopped to take deep breaths to move past this feeling. But all of this is part of the process. I pause and see my boys laughing, smiling, and enjoying their moments, small slivers of their life. It’s they who give me strength and purpose. It’s all about them. So it’s no wonder after all that moving forward is…..with hesitation.