12!

Twelve short years ago, I became a mom a second time over. My heart swelled to new dimensions. How I thought I couldn’t love another child as I did my first is beyond me. A mother’s love is immeasurable, infinite.

Remembering as if it were yesterday, feeding him in the middle of the night, rocking in the red rocking chair, singing “Amazing Grace” or “America the Beautiful”. He fit in the crook of my arm, his face so sweet. Perfection.

He has grown in his few short twelve years to be one of the most kind, empathetic, sweet, intuitive  people I know. Only a half of an inch shy of my height now, his hands larger than mine, his feet longer, and his smile greater. I look at him and think how lucky I am to be his mother.

Twelve just happens to be his hockey number. So this year, he is beyond ecstatic to reach this age. I, however, am requesting time to slow down. He no longer fits in the crook of my arm. In fact, when I hug him, my head fits in the crook of his neck. Yet, no matter how big, or how old he is, he will always fit inside my heart. Always.

Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet baby! I love you more! xo

Sweet Treats

Oh how I love yummy treats! Yesterday we celebrated my father’s and my birthday with my family. My talented brother handcrafted an Italian versus Irish Cornhole game. A match quickly ensued…but I’m sorry to say my oldest son and I did not win. We did give it a good go however! Turkey burgers, steak, hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, potato salad, chips, fruit salad, and dips. Lacking for food, we were not. The smell of the grill, the cool breeze, the sun peaking around clouds, and the constant laughing of cousins running around was all so peaceful. Yet, it always hits me that I am “alone.” No one to steal a quick kiss from, no one to grab hold of their hand, no one to share a bite of my turkey burger. In these times, I don’t dwell on that thought – it passes through. The moments of being with my family, in that moment, are much too positive to allow any other feelings to bring me down. But it always makes an appearance.

Anyway, back to the yummy treats. My mom, in lieu of cake, purchased the most delicious looking cupcakes. One problem – I am currently following a low FODMAP diet. Ugh. So I happily wrapped up one of these beauties and placed it in the freezer to hopefully be enjoyed at a later date. I should have taken a picture of all of them – there was a variety. But the picture below is of me and my dad’s. The red candle is the one I made a wish upon just before I blew it out.

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Happy Birthday to me and my father!

My wishes tend to be the same from year to year. Intentions they are. Maybe this is the year. Maybe me blowing out a candle on a cupcake I have to patiently wait to eat, is simply a metaphor for my life right now. Be patient. The best is yet to come.

16!!!

How can it be that my oldest son is 16 today?? In a blink of an eye. Just like that. Today is a celebration. One for him – after all it is his birthday. And one for me too. For today was the day I became a mom for the first time. In all honesty, I struggled for some time. But on this day, 16 years ago, truth is, my dream came true.

“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood – finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”         ― Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match

He is all emotions wrapped into one. Often a paradox. Pieces of me. All my love.

Happy, Happy 16th Birthday! May you not only find peace, but create peace as you follow your path.

xo

A New Decade…

Today I begin a new decade of my life. Aging has always been something I have struggled with. I have tried to remain optimistic, trying to embrace the changes that aging brings. I remember a friend of a friend once saying she loved each new birthday because she was so lucky to experience that new year. How true. So I repeat this to myself frequently throughout the year, but truly feeling it, is quite something different. With age, comes wisdom. Naturally. I have gained that many more experiences, I have made mistakes, I have felt pain, I have felt happiness. I naturally would have a bit more wisdom with each passing year, month, day. So this weekend I have been so present. I have allowed the feeling of being present soak my being. Yesterday I brought the boys to a large county fair. As my youngest and I stood in line for a ride – a ride that spins in a large circle first forward then backward playing loud music – we watched as an elderly woman rode with what appeared to be her older son. She was so full of expression, laughing, smiling, hair blowing from the speed of the ride, sliding to her left into the arms of her son. This was no kids ride. It was so amazing in so many ways to watch her. The boys also joined an elderly man on the Ferris Wheel. He was ahead of them in line. The worker stopped him saying he could not allow a single rider and asked if there was anyone willing to join him. My boys did. What a sweet, sweet moment. These moments in time exemplify their character. They are glimpses into their true being. So as my nine year old greeted me in the kitchen this morning dressed with a suit coat and dress shirt, took my breakfast order, made me tea, and played music all in honor of my Birthday, I smiled. I smiled knowing and feeling I am so lucky, so loved, and so, so very proud. I guess I don’t need a Birthday to mark a new beginning. But it’s a nice reminder that each day is a new day. And I have so much, I am so grateful, I am so blessed.