Blocking

All thoughts. All feelings. All emotions. It became a mirage. An illusion. “Thank you for Christmas morning. Now everyone put on your happy faces and have a good afternoon.” The insanity of it all makes me question “Did I really live my life like this all these years?” How can that be? All of it creates doubt in the corners of my mind. But that’s intentional right? He even asked T “What was your mother doing in the car?” He thought somehow T would see this as my fault. But T knows. His reply “Mom didn’t do anything” indicates he knows. But why should he be subjected. There was a calmness in my response that I repeated after every yell “you can not treat me like this.” In a sense, it was my mantra. But the threat yelled at me on the highway “DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE CAR?” was truthfully tempting. I did actually.  The music was then intentionally turned up so loud that T could not hear me in the back seat. The speed of 80mph was intentional as our newly licensed son tried to follow us. D saying he just wanted to drive alone or with his younger brother simply because “I just want to drive” was only a cover for not wanting to be in the car with him. It’s suffocating. So toxic. So the hour long drive, I retreated to a place of nothingness. Because truly being present in that moment would have resulted in a catastrophic breakdown. I was texting my mom however because it all was boiling inside of me and I needed to vent. And then retreat. It was a game I played with myself in order to hold it together. My brother started to then text me to come to his house. Oh, how much I wanted to go there. And so as my insides turned and twisted, I put my game face on and held it together. Not for me though. For them. For my boys. But really was that the right thing to do?

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8 thoughts on “Blocking

  1. Nodegrees says:

    You often speak to the fact that you are doing “this” for the boys. I have no doubt that is true however are these events healthy for them? I HAVE NO IDEA THE ANSWER TO THAT. What is the trade-off here and is there a way to change the dynamic without shutting off you self? Kids see everything. We have no idea what kids hear and feel nor what they internalize. In my last commentary I noted that I believe behavior such as anger, should not be shown to the kids (especially disrespect of a partner). I know that is an example of naivety on my part but it’s a goal, lofty but a goal. Let me generalize for a moment. Boys/kids model their Parents behaviors. Boys with me may be a big one. Some believe it is instinctual – it was survival thing (nature vs nurture). I would be very cognoscente of any behaviors with my kids that display what they see in their Dad’s treatment of you. T for example seems to be being protective of you (regardless if you are right or wrong (I am not questioning your portrayal in any way) and I am sure D has his moments also. That’s stressful to all and they will eventually act out because of it. What are they learning in these situations? You seem to wonder yourself weather this has always been there and you just learned to shut it off. The kids don’t have that level of avoidance – they like you cope. They internalize it. Can you simply avoid moments where this could occur?

    Note: Would one say it is ironic that you are reaching out to the person much like your x to vent about your x? Would your brother or another close friend would be a better avenue.

    • butterboop22 says:

      Bear with me..this may be long winded and charged. “This” for the boys yesterday was keeping my shit together because I was a passenger in a car with someone who was in a rage. Not anger…rage. What I wanted was to be dropped off the side of the road with T and wait as my oldest son drove by – would have been several minutes because his father was driving so fast he lost him. But I didn’t. So I simply remained calm and repeated in response to him “you can not treat me like this” or maybe it was “you can not talk to me like this” either way I was trembling inside but strong. Because I needed T to hear that. IT’S NOT OKAY. They unfortunately have learned a lot of negative behaviors and I realize I have my work cut out for me. Because it’s me alone in trying my best to teach them to be better. Yesterday as well as Christmas Eve could have been a great experience for them both filled with positive messages and lessons. Which was my intention. But I have no ability to control someone else’s insanity – yes, that’s what if felt like. Insanity. I had crossed my fingers and hoped. But that was not enough. And I could have just stayed home. But you see that would have only added more fuel at that point. D was already a target for awful comments. He was verbally put down repeatedly. Me stepping back, would have made it worse for D.
      The irony in reaching out to my mom? She had been a part of the previous day disaster. A witness to the craziness. So when she texted me about how it was going, well I told her. My brother is absolutely a better confidante but he also has his own life and had his in-laws visiting. My texts to my mom were brief as they had to be. I have wonderful friends but they all have their own lives of course. I manage what I can alone. And at times of great weakness, as in yesterday, my mom was the one who was there and thus on the other end of my remarks of the absurdity of it all.

  2. Nodegrees says:

    I am far from an English scollar but rage is a level of anger; uncontrollable and/or possibly violent anger. What I was trying to say it rather simple unless you believe they are worth it; “Can you avoid these events?”. BTW this obviously isn’t your responsibility to fix but this maintains your family for the boys. You obviously can’t control these events and they are tearing you apart. They are hurting your children. The environment in a car is quite controlling; the driver controls speed, direction, music and timing. You and your son were, at a level powerless. D was able to avoid that. If this is the same then why not change the things you control to avoid it? I really don’t know if you can. This is your burden because you want the best for your boys. What is best?

    • butterboop22 says:

      I wasn’t saying anger and rage were not related. So your question about avoiding these events and seeing that as a simple one…. When my boys ask me individually if I will be there and state clearly they want me there, it doesn’t make it so simple. When my oldest says “why can’t Dad just grow up and come tonight (Christmas Eve)” with tears in his eyes. It doesn’t become so simple. D using the phrase “grow up” on purpose as he was telling me how his father was making a scene yelling at him to stop acting liking a child.
      I can avoid any event to escape the insanity. But that does help D in particular. It doesn’t change it for him.

  3. Nodegrees says:

    I am not advocating that you avoid being ALL TOGETHER with your family. You seemed to get through Thanksgiving without issue or did I miss something? The event I was referring to is only the ride. Keep things in your control. Don’t get trapped. His treat to drop you by the roadside with your son in the car is scary. As for the previous days issue with D, my advise doesn’t help that but maybe you can just limit his ability to control your environment? Keeping witnesses around may temper his demeanor?

  4. butterboop22 says:

    You missed something.
    The ride – caught in the middle. I was already walking on eggshells. He had made it clear he had been “angry since 11:00” and it was now 12:53 – 8 minutes past the time he wanted to leave…not because I wasn’t ready but because D was saying he was taking his own car and I was trying to just make things go smoothly. Any more deviations from the plan and it would be a gamble.
    And yes it was scary. Because I honestly was not sure what he was going to do.
    The only witnesses that ever seem to be present make excuses. Trust me – his parents exchanged glances more than once yesterday.
    I equate it to an alcoholic – nothing will change until he understands and feels he needs help. In the meantime I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone.

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