5 days…

It’s been 5 whole days since court. I’ve woken in the middle of the night in that ignorant state of unknowingness….to then be slapped with reality. Finding myself blocking emotion though – as a means of self-protection? Is this good? Bad?

Walking in the supermarket the day of, was a gentle reminder “you never know what someone is going through, what kind of day he/she is having.” I found myself wanting to painfully scream “I just got divorced!”

Blocking out all in the courtroom except for my lawyer and the judge when addressed, I slowly narrowed my vision; otherwise I would have completely broke down. The stenographer sat right in front of me, so close he could have held my hand. Looking at me, I thought he was making eye contact, offering a silent “I’m sorry,” but I quickly realized he was only concentrating on what he was typing – he wasn’t looking at me as so much as through me. Typing words that I declared, words that would officially end my marriage.

Vulnerable in front of strangers who now heard my age, my children’s birth dates, our wedding date, and witnessed my sobs. Sterile. Cold. All so opposite from the day nearly eighteen years ago when we promised to be forever. The judge read the final comments as a script, stating “I wish you both luck.” Hardly sincere, just meaningless commentary.

And then we left. My lawyer hugged me and started to cry herself as my now ex-husband stated “I’ll let you both talk.” He offered no hug. Maybe it was me – my obvious avoidance of looking straight at him. He even asked “why are you crying?” A sign of being unattached, so far removed. Despite knowing me for over twenty years, he somehow didn’t or maybe couldn’t ever know me.

Tomorrow marks the first full week of the rest of my life.

So very scared.

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