I can not believe it has been nearly two months since my last post. I could blame it on the holidays, the busy-ness of it all. But honestly there were many a night I lied in bed having so much to say, so much to write and yet my computer felt so far away. And so my thoughts drifted into dreams until I awoke the next morning to start again. Maybe even anew.
The new year, 2016, marks three solid years of my separation. Three solid years. I surely feel more stable, but not healed. Will I ever? Can I be honest? I miss family vacations. Family vacations were always guaranteed fun. Everyone was on their best behavior, we had so many laughs, and we were exploring. An adventure – and I LOVE adventure. I remember family vacations explicitly as a child. I remember my mom so stressed about getting everything together (at the time she was afraid to fly, so we drove everywhere to vacation). “Did you turn off the iron?” And a U-Turn we’d make to make sure the iron was in fact turned off. I feel like this is a big piece I am robbing my boys of – family vacations. It creates a void inside of me that I am not so sure can be filled. It’s a squeezing of my insides when these realities fill me. So when will I be healed?
Today I am participating in an all day Reiki workshop. Friends have asked “Why? Are you going to teach Reiki?” No. Not now anyway. That is not my goal. Right now I just want a way to heal myself. To teach..myself. I know I can do it. And I am ready. I have never been a part of a Reiki workshop. But I have always been intrigued. In fact, the discussion of Reiki three and a half years ago sparked great change in my life.
My yoga teacher asked me a couple of weeks ago what I was running from (she had noticed how incredibly tight my left hamstring was and knows my running history). I smiled and let out a small laugh. But I didn’t feel like I was running from anything. I feel I am running towards something. And so I begin. A New year…beginning.