At the end of my yoga class this morning, my yoga teacher talked about the Dalai Lama. She referred to an interview where he held one hand up and said something like this represents the people who praise me and then held up the other hand and said this represents the people who want to kill me. He then went on to say he tries not to put too much emphasis on one side. I am obviously paraphrasing. But it comes down to balance. There will always be opposing forces. And there will always be the choice of balance lying somewhere in between.
I found myself in this position just last night. An event where my husband, who I am separated from, was attending in addition to other mutual friends. The event however revolved around our children. He had made the assumption I would be going while I actually had intended not to go. In the end, I did attend but had little interaction with him. It was not negative by any means. As I said, the event revolved around our children.
The balance? A bit of uncomfortableness pulling in one direction and being a mom pulling me in the other direction. What I mean when I write “being a mom” is that because I chose to attend I was able to enjoy time with my almost fifteen year old son, just him and I together driving to this event. I heard his enthusiastic voice as he talked to me about his teachers, favorite football players, and what he wishes for for his Birthday presents. This time, this twenty-five minute ride, represented one of the best parts about being a mom. I soaked this in completely. It’s not often that he just opens up and talks to me. When he gives me snip-its of his life when I am not there.
There remains a tug and pull in my life. People telling me I can not continue to live my life as if my family were intact. That at some point, I need to “break the ties.” I fully understand the way I have chosen to live my life through this separation is not the norm. I guess in some ways I may be going against the grain. Some choose to see it as I have one foot in the water and the other foot out of the water. And the way society today views separation and divorce, I can understand how people come to this conclusion. However, it’s balance. I am walking on a balance beam trying to not put too much weight on one side or the other. My children’s lives are that beam.
I am aware that I may sway from side to side at times. I may fall. I may struggle to keep one foot in front of the other. But if I remain true, if my focus is balance, then I think, I know, I will be okay. More importantly, my boys will be okay.