Still here, disappear

Do you ever feel like you just want to disappear? I asked myself last night when does the pain stop? Sometimes I feel like I have a legitimate mood disorder. My emotions go from one extreme to the next. My outlook can go from dark to perfectly clear to gray in just a day. Sometimes I feel like it is taking so much effort. So much time. Such valuable, precious time. The boys and I played catch today in the yard with a small kickball. It was probably only for 10 minutes. But it was the most beautiful 10 minutes of my day. My favorite 9 year old in the whole world was smiling matter-of-factly as he caught the ball that my favorite 14 year old threw to him. We passed it back and forth, trying to fool each other by looking at someone but throwing it to the other person. These are the moments and the reasons I move forward. The reasons why I push through the feeling of wanting to just disappear. I am here. I am still here. And I am so trying my best to relish the moments that truly matter.

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