Spinning

For the past year and a half he and I have shared two homes in order for the boys’ lives to be less disrupted. It worked. But, for several reasons he can no longer live this way. I understand. However, I am scared, nervous, ….spinning. Next week we will purchase a second home where he will solely live. The boys will now alternate between two homes. We will keep the schedule the same so that no more than a day will go by where I don’t see them if only for a short time. My head is spinning so much that it almost becomes empty as all the thoughts and feelings seem to just spin away. It’s like that children’s Birthday party game, the one where you are blindfolded and someone spins you around several times, stops, and somehow while dizzy, you need to find your way.  I should mention my dream as a little girl. It was to be a mother. Part of that dream was becoming a wife and creating a family. I even had an age and a wedding date included in this dream. I wed one year older and six days past that dream wedding date. Funny how you seem to think your life unfolds just as you planned to just unfold in a way you never planned. Maybe I just need to spin for a while. Maybe it’s time to completely let go….and just spin. 

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