With Hesitation….

These past few weeks have not passed without hesitation. Hesitation with every decision I am making. Hesitation with every step. Hesitation with every thought. Days of sadness mixed with days of near complete clarity. Well, more like moments of complete clarity. Reality is I have done nothing yet that has been permanent. I think this is where the hesitation slides in. Permanence is scary. Permanence is quite unknown. I have had this pit in my stomach. A gnawing. I have stopped to take deep breaths to move past this feeling. But all of this is part of the process. I pause and see my boys laughing, smiling, and enjoying their moments, small slivers of their life. It’s they who give me strength and purpose. It’s all about them. So it’s no wonder after all that moving forward is…..with hesitation.

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